The Vegetable; or, From President to PostmanFitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
General
The Vegetable; or, From President to Postman
Fitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
American drama -- 20th century
THE DETECTIVE. Brown? Are you sure?
CHARLOTTE. Am I sure? Of course I’m sure.
THE DETECTIVE [_to Doris_]. Do you collaborate that?
DORIS. When he left here it was brown.
THE DETECTIVE. Well, this fella’s hair was red.
CHARLOTTE. Oh, it’s not Jerry then--it’s not Jerry.
DORIS [_to Charlotte_]. Well, now, how do you know? Maybe-- [_She turns
to the detective._] You see, this fella had been drinking some of this
funny liquor you get around here sometimes and it may just have turned
his hair red.
CHARLOTTE [_to the detective_]. Oh, do you think so?
THE DETECTIVE. I never heard of a case like that. I knew a fella whose
hair was turned white by it.
DORIS. I knew one, too. What was the name of the fella you knew?
CHARLOTTE. Did this man claim to be my husband?
THE DETECTIVE. No, madam, he didn’t. He said he had two wives out in
Montana, but none that he knew of in these parts. But of course he may
have been bluffing.
DORIS. It doesn’t sound like Jerry to me.
THE DETECTIVE. But you can identify him by that tattoo mark.
CHARLOTTE [_hastily_]. Oh, he never had one.
THE DETECTIVE. Are you sure?
CHARLOTTE. Oh, yes.
THE DETECTIVE [_his face falling_]. Well, then, he’s not our man,
because this fella’s tattoo marks are three years old. Well, that’s a
disappointment. That’s a great disappointment for me. I’ve wasted some
time over this man. I’d been hoping he’d--ah--do.
CHARLOTTE [_hastily_]. Oh, no, he wouldn’t do at all. I’ll have to have
the right man or I won’t pay you.
THE DETECTIVE. Well, now then, I’ve been following up another clew. Did
your husband ever have aphasia?
CHARLOTTE. Oh, no, he’s always been very healthy. He had some skin
trouble about----
DORIS. He doesn’t mean that, Charlotte. Aphasia’s where a man runs off
and commits murder and falls in love with a young girl under another
name.
CHARLOTTE. Oh, no, he’s never done anything like this ever before.
THE DETECTIVE. Suppose you tell me exactly what did happen.
CHARLOTTE. Well, I told you he’d been drinking something that had
spirits of nitrogen in it.
THE DETECTIVE. Spirits of nitrogen!
CHARLOTTE. That’s what the man said. It was sympathetic gin that this
man had persuaded Jerry into buying.
THE DETECTIVE. Yes.
CHARLOTTE. And he’d been talking all evening about all the things he
could have done if I hadn’t stood in his way. He had some examination
he’d just taken.
DORIS [_explaining_]. A psychical examination.
THE DETECTIVE [_wisely_]. I see.
CHARLOTTE. And my sister came over with the man she’s going to marry,
and she came up to see me, and when she came down Jerry was asleep in
his chair. Well, I didn’t go down. I wish I had now. And my sister here
and her fellow went away. Then I went to bed, and it seems to me I could
hear Jerry talking to himself in his sleep all night. I woke up about
twelve, and he was saying something loud, and I told him to shut the
door, because I could smell that awful sympathetic gin way up-stairs.
THE DETECTIVE. Yes.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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