The Vegetable; or, From President to PostmanFitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
General
The Vegetable; or, From President to Postman
Fitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
American drama -- 20th century
CHARLOTTE. And that’s all. When I came down next morning at seven, he
was gone.
THE DETECTIVE [_rising_]. Well, Mrs. Frost, if your man can be located,
I’m going to locate him.
DORIS. Have you thought of combing the dives?
THE DETECTIVE. What?
DORIS. Have you combed the dives? It seems to me that I’d make the
rounds of all the dives, and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if you’d see
this man with somebody sitting on his knee.
THE DETECTIVE [_to Charlotte_]. Does he run to that?
CHARLOTTE [_hurriedly_]. Oh, no. Oh, no.
DORIS [_to Charlotte_]. How do you know?
_A brisk knock at the door. Doris opens it eagerly, admitting a
small, fat, gray-haired man in a state of great indignation._
THE DETECTIVE [_to Charlotte_]. Is this the pursued?
THE MAN [_sternly_]. You are speaking to Mr. Pushing. I employ or did
employ the man who lives in this house.
CHARLOTTE [_wildly_]. Oh, where is he?
MR. PUSHING. That’s what I came here to find out. He hasn’t been at work
for a week. I’m going to let him go.
DORIS. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. He may be dead.
MR. PUSHING. Dead or alive, he’s fired. I had him analyzed. He didn’t
have any ambition, and my analyzer gave him nothing but a row of
goose-eggs. Bah!
CHARLOTTE. I don’t care. He’s mine.
DORIS [_correcting her_]. “Was” mine.
THE DETECTIVE. Maybe you could tell me something about his habits in
business hours.
MR. PUSHING. If you’ll come along with me I’ll show you his analyzed
record. We’re having it framed. [_Contemptuously._] Good morning.
_He goes out. The Detective, after a nod at Charlotte and Doris,
follows him._
DORIS. Well, I should think you’d be encouraged.
CHARLOTTE. Why?
DORIS. Well, that detective found a fella that’s something like him. The
same first name, anyway. That shows they’re getting warm.
CHARLOTTE. Somehow it doesn’t encourage me.
_Uncertain steps on the stairs. Dada appears wearing a battered hat
and carrying a book under his arm._
DORIS. Hello, Dada. Where you going?
DADA [_hearing vague words_]. Hm.
CHARLOTTE. He’s going down to the library.
DADA [_in spirited disagreement_]. No. You were wrong that time. I’m not
going to the park. I’m going to the library.
DORIS [_sternly_]. Where do you think your son is?
DADA. The----?
DORIS [_louder_]. Where do you think Jerry is, by this time?
DADA [_to Charlotte_]. Didn’t you tell me he was away?
_Charlotte nods drearily._
DADA [_placidly_]. Hasn’t come back yet?
DORIS. No. We’re having the dives combed.
DADA. Well, don’t worry. I remember I ran away from home once. It was
in 1846. I wanted to go to Philadelphia and see the Zoo. I tried to get
home, but they took me and locked me up.
DORIS [_to Charlotte_]. In the monkey house, I bet.
DADA. [_He missed this, thank God!_] Yes, that’s the only time I ever
ran away.
DORIS. But this is a more serious thing, Dada.
DADA. Boys will be boys.... Well, it looks like a nice day.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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