the reasons for and against a decision, and she had ended, in the false
perspective of solitary meditation, by thinking solely in opposition to
her heart. She had ceased to see anything but the force of the
objections, the insurmountable difficulties, and she had taken her stand
with the party most strongly opposed to her passionate desire. With that
she had soothed herself with the chimerical hope of postponing from week
to week the explanation which had suddenly forced itself upon her so
imperatively. She came to it deeply moved and at the same time prepared,
overwhelmed with surprise and, as it were, armored rather than armed
with arguments long since thought out. She ran the risk thus of seeming
very cold when she was deeply moved, very self-controlled and
conventional, when she was all a-quiver. How near to weakness was her
borrowed energy from the moment that she began her reply!
"You have made me very unhappy, my friend,--for I shall continue to give
you in my heart that name which you no longer care for. I do not
reproach you. It was I who deceived myself, in thinking that your
feeling for me might change, that it had changed. Perhaps such a
transformation is not possible. I too have acted in good faith in
wishing for it, in longing for it, in hoping for it. You know it, do you
not?--Now that dream is at an end." She repeated, as if speaking to
herself: "At an end, at an end." And, turning toward Landri: "How do you
expect me to permit you to come here now, to indulge myself in those
long conversations and that correspondence which were so dear to me,
after you have talked to me in this way? One does not try such an
experiment twice. Three years ago I was able to believe in an
unconscious outbreak of your youth, in an exaltation which would soon
subside. To-day, I am no longer able to flatter myself with that
illusion. But on one point you are right. The circumstances are no
longer the same. If at that time it was my right and my duty to judge
severely a declaration which I should have been as culpable to listen to
as you were to make it, how can I blame you now for a step in which
there is no other feeling for me than respect and esteem? I have not
lived much in the world,--enough, however, to realize that the fidelity
of a heart like yours, prolonged thus and under such conditions, is no
ordinary thing. It touches me far more than I can tell you."--Despite
herself, her voice trembled as she let fall those words which signified
too clearly: "And I, too, love you."--"But," she continued, firmly,
"this interview must be the last, since I cannot answer you with the
words that you ask, since in that hand which you offer me I cannot place
mine."
"Then," he faltered, "if I understand you, you refuse--"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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