Lesbians -- England -- Social conditions -- Fiction
That evening Stephen became rather pensive, and she turned to the
Child’s Book of Scripture Stories and she studied the picture of the
Lord on His Cross, and she felt that she understood Him. She had often
been rather puzzled about Him, since she herself was fearful of
pain—when she barked her shins on the gravel in the garden, it was not
always easy to keep back her tears—and yet Jesus had chosen to bear
pain for sinners, when He might have called up all those angels! Oh,
yes, she had wondered a great deal about Him, but now she no longer
wondered.
At bedtime, when her mother came to hear her say her prayers—as custom
demanded—Stephen’s prayers lacked conviction. But when Anna had kissed
her and had turned out the light, then it was that Stephen prayed in
good earnest—with such fervour, indeed, that she dripped perspiration
in a veritable orgy of prayer.
‘Please, Jesus, give me a housemaid’s knee instead of Collins—do, _do_,
Lord Jesus. Please, Jesus, I would like to bear all Collins’ pain the
way You did, and I don’t want any angels! I would like to wash Collins
in my blood, Lord Jesus—I would like very much to be a Saviour to
Collins—I love her, and I want to be hurt like You were; please, dear
Lord Jesus, do let me. Please give me a knee that’s all full of water,
so that I can have Collins’ operation. I want to have it instead of her,
’cause she’s frightened—I’m not a bit frightened!’
This petition she repeated until she fell asleep, to dream that in some
queer way she was Jesus, and that Collins was kneeling and kissing her
hand, because she, Stephen, had managed to cure her by cutting off her
knee with a bone paper-knife and grafting it on to her own. The dream
was a mixture of rapture and discomfort, and it stayed quite a long time
with Stephen.
The next morning she awoke with the feeling of elation that comes only
in moments of perfect faith. But a close examination of her knees in the
bath, revealed them to be flawless except for old scars and a crisp,
brown scab from a recent tumble—this, of course, was very
disappointing. She picked off the scab, and that hurt her a little, but
not, she felt sure, like a real housemaid’s knee. However, she decided
to continue in prayer, and not to be too easily downhearted.
For more than three weeks she sweated and prayed, and pestered poor
Collins with endless daily questions: ‘Is your knee better yet?’ ‘Don’t
you think my knee’s swollen?’ ‘Have you faith? ’Cause I have—’ ‘Does it
hurt you less, Collins?’
But Collins would always reply in the same way: ‘It’s no better, thank
you, Miss Stephen.’
At the end of the fourth week Stephen suddenly stopped praying, and she
said to Our Lord: ‘You don’t love Collins, Jesus, but I do, and I’m
going to get housemaid’s knee. You see if I don’t!’ Then she felt rather
frightened, and added more humbly: ‘I mean, I do want to—You don’t
mind, do You, Lord Jesus?’
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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