Lesbians -- England -- Social conditions -- Fiction
Stephen rested her head on her hand as she sat at her desk—it was well
past midnight. She was heartsick as only a writer can be whose day has
been spent in useless labour. All that she had written that day she
would destroy, and now it was well past midnight. She turned, looking
wearily round the study, and it came upon her with a slight sense of
shock that she was seeing this room for the very first time, and that
everything in it was abnormally ugly. The flat had been furnished when
her mind had been too much afflicted to care in the least what she
bought, and now all her possessions seemed clumsy or puerile, from the
small, foolish chairs to the large, roll-top desk; there was nothing
personal about any of them. How had she endured this room for so long?
Had she really written a fine book in it? Had she sat in it evening
after evening and come back to it morning after morning? Then she must
have been blind indeed—what a place for any author to work in! She had
taken nothing with her from Morton but the hidden books found in her
father’s study; these she had taken, as though in a way they were hers
by some intolerable birthright; for the rest she had shrunk from
depriving the house of its ancient and honoured possessions.
Morton—so quietly perfect a thing, yet the thing of all others that she
must fly from, that she must forget; but she could not forget it in
these surroundings; they reminded by contrast. Curious what Brockett had
said that evening about putting the sea between herself and
England. . . . In view of her own half-formed plan to do so, his words
had come as a kind of echo of her thoughts; it was almost as though he
had peeped through a secret keyhole into her mind, had been spying upon
her trouble. By what right did this curious man spy upon her—this man
with the soft, white hands of a woman, with the movements befitting
those soft, white hands, yet so ill-befitting the rest of his body? By
no right; and how much had the creature found out when his eye had been
pressed to that secret keyhole? Clever—Brockett was fiendishly
clever—all his whims and his foibles could not disguise it. His face
gave him away, a hard, clever face with sharp eyes that were glued to
other people’s keyholes. That was why Brockett wrote such fine plays,
such cruel plays; he fed his genius on live flesh and blood. Carnivorous
genius. Moloch, fed upon live flesh and blood! But she, Stephen, had
tried to feed her inspiration upon herbage, the kind, green herbage of
Morton. For a little while such food had sufficed, but now her talent
had sickened, was dying perhaps—or had she too fed it on blood, her
heart’s blood when she had written _The Furrow_? If so, her heart would
not bleed any more—perhaps it could not—perhaps it was dry. A dry,
withered thing; for she did not feel love these days when she thought of
Angela Crossby—that must mean that her heart had died within her. A
gruesome companion to have, a dead heart.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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