Lesbians -- England -- Social conditions -- Fiction
beech wood, a couple of mares gave birth to strong foals—thus were all
things accomplished in their season at Morton.
But Anna, whose word was now absolute law, had become one of those who
have done with smiling; a quiet, enduring, grief-stricken woman, in
whose eyes was a patient, waiting expression. She was gentle to Stephen,
yet terribly aloof; in their hour of great need they must still stand
divided these two, by the old, insidious barrier. Yet Stephen clung
closer and closer to Morton; she had definitely given up all idea of
Oxford. In vain did Puddle try to protest, in vain did she daily remind
her pupil that Sir Philip had set his heart on her going; no good, for
Stephen would always reply:
‘Morton needs me; Father would want me to stay, because he taught me to
love it.’
And Puddle was helpless. What could she do, bound as she was by the
tyranny of silence? She dared not explain the girl to herself, dared not
say: ‘For your own sake you must go to Oxford, you’ll need every weapon
your brain can give you; being what you are you’ll need every weapon,’
for then certainly Stephen would start to question, and her teacher’s
very position of trust would forbid her to answer those questions.
Outrageous, Puddle would feel it to be, that wilfully selfish tyranny of
silence evolved by a crafty old ostrich of a world for its own
well-being and comfort. The world hid its head in the sands of
convention, so that seeing nothing it might avoid Truth. It said to
itself: ‘If seeing’s believing, then I don’t want to see—if silence is
golden, it is also, in this case, very expedient.’ There were moments
when Puddle would feel sorely tempted to shout out loud at the world.
Sometimes she thought of giving up her post, so weary was she of
fretting over Stephen. She would think: ‘What’s the good of my worrying
myself sick? I can’t help the girl, but I can help myself—seems to me
it’s a matter of pure self-preservation.’ Then all that was loyal and
faithful in her would protest: ‘Better stick it, she’ll probably need
you one day and you ought to be here to help her.’ So Puddle decided to
stick it.
They did very little work, for Stephen had grown idle with grief and no
longer cared for her studies. Nor could she find consolation in her
writing, for sorrow will often do one of two things—it will either
release the springs of inspiration, or else it will dry up those springs
completely, and in Stephen’s case it had done the latter. She longed for
the comforting outlet of words, but now the words would always evade
her.
‘I can’t write any more, it’s gone from me, Puddle—he’s taken it with
him.’ And then would come tears, and the tears would go splashing down
on to the paper, blotting the poor inadequate lines that meant little or
nothing as their author well knew, to her own added desolation.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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