"When he found that from the first I was prepared to face the worst, he gave a sigh of relief. But I did not hear his reply, for after I had, apparently calmly, uttered the gruesome words, I suddenly saw once more before my eyes, with terrible vividness, that vision of my girlish days, when I had found Martha lying like a corpse on the sofa. I felt as if the nails of a dead hand were digging themselves into my breast--before my eyes I saw bloody streaks--I uttered a cry--then I felt as if a voice called out to me:--'Help, save, give your own life to preserve hers!' With a sudden jerk I pulled myself together; I had once more found my strength. "'Doctor,' I said, 'if she dies, I lose the only thing I possess in the world, and lose myself with her. But as long as you can make use of me I will never flinch. Therefore conceal nothing from me. I must have certainty.' "'Certainty, my dear child.' he replied, grasping my hands, 'certainty there will not be till her convalescence or her last moments. Even at the worst point there may always be a change for the better yet, how much more then now, when the illness is still in its first stage! Of course she has not much vital strength left to stake--that is the saddest part of it. But perhaps we shall succeed in mastering the evil at its commencement, and then everything would be won.' "'What can I do to help?' I cried, and stretched out my clasped hands towards him. 'Ask of me what you will! Even if I could only save her with my own life, I should still have much to make amends for towards her.' "He looked at me in astonishment. How should he have been able to understand me! * * * * * "And now I have come to the hardest part of my task. Since a week I keep sneaking round these pages, without venturing to take up my pen. Horror seizes me, when I consider _what_ is awaiting me. And yet it will be salutary for me once more to recall to my memory those fearful three days and nights, especially now, when something of a softer, tenderer feeling seems to be taking root in my heart. Away with it! Away with every cajoling thought which speaks to me of happiness and peace. I am destined for solitude and resignation, and if I should ever forget this, the history of those three days shall once more remind me of it. * * * * * "When I pulled my chair up to my sister's bedside to take up my post as nurse, I found she had dropped off to sleep. But this was not the sleep which invigorates and prepares the way for convalescence; like a nightmare it seemed to lie upon her and to press down her eyelids by force. Her bosom rose and fell as if impelled from within and repelled from without. The little waxen-pale, blue-lined face lay half buried in the pillows, across which her scanty fair plaits crept like small snakes. I covered my face with my hands. I could not bear the sight.