American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
"When I got to the church, what do you think was the first thing as I
see, Mrs. Lathrop? Well, you'd never guess till kingdom come, so I may
as well tell you. It was Ed an' Sam Duruy an' Henry Ward Beecher an'
Johnny standin' there waitin' to show us to our pews like we didn't know
our own pews after sittin' in 'em for all our life-times! I just shook
my head an' walked to my pew, an' there, if it wasn't looped shut with a
daisy-chain! Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could have been there to
have felt for me, for I may remark as a cyclone is a caterpillar wove up
in hisself beside my face when I see myself daisy-chained out o' my own
pew by Polly Allen. Ed was behind me an' he whispered 'That's reserved
for the family.' I give him one look an' I will state, Mrs. Lathrop, as
he wilted. It didn't take me long to break that daisy-chain an' sit down
in that pew, an' I can assure you as no one asked me to get up again.
Mrs. Jilkins's cousins from Meadville come an' looked at me sittin'
there, but I give them jus' one look back an' they went an' sat with
Mrs. Macy themselves. A good many other folks was as surprised as me
over where they had to sit, but we soon had other surprises as took the
taste o' the first clean out o' our mouths.
"Just as Mrs. Davison begin to play the organ, Ed an' Johnny come down
with two clothes-lines wound 'round with clematis an' tied us all in
where we sat. Then they went back an' we all stayed still an' couldn't
but wonder what under the sun was to be done to us next. But we didn't
have long to wait, an' I will say as anythin' to beat Polly's ideas I
never see--no--nor no one else neither.
"'Long down the aisle, two an' two, an' hand in hand, like they thought
they was suthin' pretty to look at, come Ed an' Johnny an' Henry Ward
Beecher an' Sam Duruy, an' I vow an' declare, Mrs. Lathrop, I never was
so nigh to laughin' in church in all my life. They knowed they was
funny, too, an' their mouths an' eyes was tight set sober, but some one
in the back just _had_ to giggle, an' when we heard it we knew as things
as wasn't much any other day would use us up this day, sure. They
stopped in front an' lined up, two on a side, an' then, for all the
world like it was a machine-play, the little door opened an' out come
the minister an' solemnly walked down to between them. I must say we was
all more than a little disappointed at its only bein' the minister, an'
he must have felt our feelin's, for he began to cough an' clear up his
throat an' his little desk all at once. Then Mrs. Davison jerked out the
loud stop an' began to play for all she was worth, an' the door behind
banged an' every one turned aroun' to see.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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