American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
"A gentleman," said the other, smiling slightly. "Well, don't shake
hands with me yet, sir. I don't know. You see I'm a railroad man, and
I'm here on business."
"Damn it, sir, if it was only your description of a julep, if it was
only your mention of that old family silver mug, devoted to that sacred
purpose, sir--that would be your certificate of character here. Forget
your business. Come down here and live with me. We'll go huntin' ba'h
together. Why, man, I'm mighty glad to make your acquaintance."
"But wait," said Eddring, "there may be two ways of looking at this."
"Well, there's only one way of looking at a julep," said Blount, "and
that's down a straw. Now, I'll show you how we make them down here in
the Sunflower country.
"But, as I as a-sayin'"--and here Blount set down the glasses midway in
his compounding, and went on with his interrupted proposition,--"now
here was that nigger that lost his wife. Of course he had a whole flock
of children. Now, what do you think that claim agent said he would pay
that nigger for his wife?"
"Well, I--"
"Well, but what do you _reckon_?"
"Why, I reckon about fifteen dollars."
"That's it, that's it!" said Blount, slapping his hand upon the board
until the glasses jingled. "That's just what he did offer; fifteen
dollars! Not a cent more."
"Well, now, Colonel Blount," said Eddring, "you know there's a heap of
mighty trifling niggers loose in this part of the world. You see, that
fellow would marry again in a little while, and he might get a heap
better woman next time. There's a lot of swapping wives among the
niggers at best. Now, here's a man lost his wife decent and respectable,
and there's nothing on earth a nigger likes better than a good funeral,
even if it has to be his own wife. Now, how many nigger funerals are
there that cost fifteen dollars? I'll bet you if that nigger had it to
do over again he'd a heap rather be rid of her and have the fifteen
dollars. Look at it! Fine funeral for one wife and something left over
to get a bonnet for his new wife. I'll bet there isn't a nigger on your
place that wouldn't jump at a chance like that."
Colonel Blount scratched his head. "You understand niggers all right,
I'll admit," said he. "But, now, supposin' it had been a white man?"
"Well, supposing it was?"
"We don't need to suppose. There was the same thing happened to a white
family. Wife got killed--left three children."
"Oh, you mean that accident down at Shelby?"
"Yes, Mrs. Something-or-other, she was. Well, sir, damn me, if that
infernal claim agent didn't have the face to offer fifteen dollars for
her, too."
"Looks almost like he played a fifteen-dollar limit all the time,
doesn't it?" said the visitor.
"It certainly does. It ain't right."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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