American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
I take this opportunity to inform you that I will compensate you at the
rate of $20 _per head_ for every one of these _valuable_ articles that I
received from you, providing you will relieve me of their presence. This
offer can be either accepted or rejected on your part: but providing you
don't see proper to accept it, you had better procure enough lumber to
make a box 4x8, and have it made as early as possible. Judge Dixon will
arrange the preliminaries if you don't accede. An early reply is
expected by RELIABLE.
Not satisfied with wounding my feelings by making the most extraordinary
reference to allusions in the above note, he even sent a challenge to
fight, in the same envelop with it, hoping to work upon my fears and
drive me from the country by intimidation. But I was not to be
frightened; I shall remain in the Territory. I guessed his object at
once, and determined to accept his challenge, choose weapons and things,
and scare him, instead of being scared myself. I wrote a stern reply to
him, and offered him mortal combat with boot-jacks at a hundred yards.
The effect was more agreeable than I could have hoped for. His hair
turned black in a single night, from excess of fear; then he went into a
fit of melancholy, and while it lasted he did nothing but sigh, and sob,
and snuffle, and slobber, and say "he wished he was in the quiet tomb;"
finally he said he would commit suicide--he would say farewell to the
cold, cold world, with its cares and troubles, and go to sleep with his
fathers, in perdition. Then rose up this young man, and threw his
demijohn out of the window, and took up a glass of pure water, and
drained it to the dregs. And then he fell to the floor in a swoon. Dr.
Tjader was called in, and as soon as he found that the cuss was
poisoned, he rushed down to the Magnolia Saloon and got the antidote,
and poured it down him. As he was drawing his last breath, he scented
the brandy and lingered yet a while on earth, to take a drink with the
boys. But for this he would have been no more--or possible a great deal
less--in a moment. So he survived; but he has been in a mighty
precarious condition ever since. I have been up to see how he was
getting along two or three times a day.... He is a very sick man; I was
up there a while ago, and I could see that his friends had begun to
entertain hopes that he would not get over it. As soon as I saw that,
all my enmity vanished; I even felt like doing the poor Unreliable a
kindness, and showing him, too, how my feelings toward him had changed.
So I went and bought him a beautiful coffin, and carried it up and set
it down on his bed and told him to climb in when his time was up. Well,
sir, you never saw a man so affected by a little act of kindness as he
was by that. He let off a sort of war-whoop, and went to kicking things
around like a crazy man; and he foamed at the mouth and went out of one
fit into another faster than I could take them down in my note-book....
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account