While I was speaking she looked and looked at me. Her great eyes, wide
opened, burned with such an ardour that I felt them on me. I wished she
would close them or look away, for her gaze embarrassed me. Little by
little the colour faded from her cheeks, and when I finished speaking
she was deathly pale. As she kept silence, I went on a little annoyed:
“You seem to have nothing to say. I assure you Ducal will explain our
strained relations to suit his own need. Why do you not answer?”
“I am so fatigued,” she murmured; “let me go to my room, please.”
“Do you want me to go with you?”
“Thank you, I prefer to be alone.”
She glided through the room like a shadow. At the door, she turned
toward me and said brokenly:
“If I was wrong in dismissing your friend, forgive me.”
“No, no,” I said, “it is not that.”
She disappeared, and I walked up and down, reviewing the whole
unpleasant episode and its inevitable consequences. I was annoyed
with myself for the unpleasant sensation I felt. It was something
akin to that I felt when I asked the innocent young girl of the woods
to come to Paris with me alone and she had willingly consented, not
comprehending the significance of my invitation. Had I not nevertheless
committed the cowardice of injuring the little creature who had
entrusted herself to me and claimed protection? And as on that previous
occasion, I recalled the bird which I had picked up in my hand, whose
life, whose warm life, I felt slip away. Had I not held it too close
instead of caressing it?
I should have insisted on going with her,--I should not have left her
alone. But I stayed there, unnerved and dissatisfied with myself.
At dinner she occupied her place without a word of explanation. Any
further expression of opinion would have been as the spade of earth
that falls on a coffin. Neither she nor I reopened the subject. She
retired early, and her absence was a distinct relief to me. The cigar
which I was smoking was excellent. Out of doors, the mild evening air
announced the spring-time.
That night, I have since learned, was one of intense agony for her. How
could she still love me? Had I not yet succeeded in destroying love in
her? Love is not so dependent on its object as on the nature of the
being in whose heart it dwells, and from which it receives its life and
force. That of Raymonde was born immortal.
A few days later, I met Pierre Ducal. I saw at a glance that he was
master of the situation and had decided on his course of conduct. He
came toward me, his hand extended. I had an impulse to refuse it--why
did I not yield to it? I accepted that offered hand. The treason
commenced was by that act consummated.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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