3. While I was under this distress many a wretched shift did I betake myself to for relief. When I read or heard searching things; if any thing that was said seemed to make for me, I greedily catched hold of it. When I found somewhat required that I neither did, nor could even resolve to comply with; I thought to compound and make amends some other way. Or else I questioned, whether God had required it or no? Whether he that taught so was not mistaken? And whether I might not be in a state of salvation, without those marks of it which he assigned. Again, many times when I would not see, I quarrelled with ministers or books for not speaking plainly. Always I carefully sought for the lowest marks, and the least degrees of grace that were saving. For I designed but so much religion as would take me to heaven, the very least that would serve the turn. And when none of those shifts availed, I resolved in general, to do all that God commanded. But I soon retracted when he tried me in any particulars that were contrary to my inclinations. And when I saw I must do it, I begged a little respite: with St. _Austin_, “I was content to be holy, but not yet:” forgetting that a delay is, in God’s account, a refusal; since all his commandments require present obedience. After all ways were tried I blamed my education. I knew religion was a change of heart; but whether mine had undergone this change was the question: Now, thought I, “If I had not been educated religiously, but had changed all at once, it would have been more easily discernable.” Thus was I _entangled in my own ways, and even seeking wisdom, I found it not_. 4. Although I now seemed to have gone far; yet I was indeed wholly wrong. For being convinced of the necessity of righteousness, but ignorant of Christ, _I sought it by the works of the law_. Therefore _the carnal mind, which was enmity against_ God, still continued in me: and all my struggles were only a toiling to and fro, between light and love of sin, wherein sin was still conqueror; for my bosom idols I could not part with. Beside the small religion I had, was not abiding, but rose and fell with the above mentioned occasions. 5. About this time _Clark’s Martyrology_ came into my hands. I loved history and read it greedily. The patience, courage, and joy of the martyrs convinced me that there was a reality in religion, beyond the power of nature. I was convinced likewise that I was a stranger to it, because I could not think of suffering. And withal I felt some faint desires after it, so at least, as often to join in _Balaam_’s wish, _Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his_.