Wednesday, June 30. Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and prayer; underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul, that ever I felt; I saw myself so vile, that I was ready to say, “I shall now perish by the hand of Saul.” I almost concluded, I had no power to stand for the cause of God, but was “afraid of the shaking of a leaf.” Spent almost the whole day in prayer. I could not bear to think of Christians shewing me any respect. I almost despaired of doing any service in the world; I could not feel any hope respecting the Heathen, which used to afford me some refreshment in the darkest hours. I spent the day _in the bitterness of my soul_. Near night I enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Saturday, July 3. My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was laid under at college seemed to damp me, as it opens the mouths of opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may go to _him_ at all times, and find him a _present help_. Lord’s-day, July 4. I withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret: God was pleased to give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought the invisible and eternal world near to my soul. I hoped, that my weary _pilgrimage_ would be _short_; that it would not be long before I was brought to my Father’s house: but I was sweetly resigned to God’s will, to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure. I felt pleased, to be _little_, to be _nothing_, and to _lie in the dust_. I enjoyed life and sweet consolation in pleading for the dear children of God, and the kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul earnestly breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment of God. “O come, Lord Jesus! come quickly Amen.” Monday, July 19. My desires are carried out after weanedness from the _world_, perfect deadness to it, and to be _crucified_ to all its allurements. My soul longs to feel itself a _pilgrim_ and _stranger_ here below; that nothing may divert me from pressing through the lonely desert, till I arrive at my Father’s house. *Thursday, July 22. Journeying from Southbury to Ripton, I called at a house, where being kindly entertained, I was filled with amazement and shame, that God should stir up the hearts of any to shew so much kindness to such a _dead dog_ as I; and was sensible, how exceeding vile it is, not to be wholly devoted to God. I wondered, that God would suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time to time. Thursday, July 29. I was examined by the association met at Danbury, as to my learning, and experiences in religion, and received a licence from them to preach the gospel of Christ. Afterwards I felt much devoted to God: joined in prayer with one of the ministers; and went to bed resolving to live devoted to God all my days. PART III. _From the time of his being licensed to preach, till he was appointed_ Missionary _to the_ Indians.