Three Men and a MaidWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Three Men and a Maid
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories
A young man recited 'Gunga Din' and, wilfully misinterpreting the
gratitude of the audience that it was over for a desire for more, had
followed it with 'Fuzzy-Wuzzy.' His sister--these things run in
families--had sung 'My Little Gray Home in the West'--rather sombrely,
for she had wanted to sing the 'Rosary,' and, with the same obtuseness
which characterised her brother, had come back and rendered two
plantation songs. The audience was now examining its programmes in the
interval of silence in order to ascertain the duration of the sentence
still remaining unexpired.
It was shocked to read the following:
7. A Little Imitation......S. Marlowe
All over the saloon you could see fair women and brave men wilting in
their seats. Imitation...! The word, as Keats would have said, was
like a knell! Many of these people were old travellers, and their minds
went back wincingly, as one recalls forgotten wounds, to occasions when
performers at ships' concerts had imitated whole strings of Dickens'
characters or, with the assistance of a few hats and a little false
hair, had endeavored to portray Napoleon, Bismarck, Shakespeare and
others of the famous dead. In this printed line on the programme there
was nothing to indicate the nature or scope of the imitation which this
S. Marlowe proposed to inflict upon them. They could only sit and wait
and hope that it would be short.
There was a sinking of hearts as Eustace Hignett moved down the room
and took his place at the piano. A pianist! This argued more singing.
The more pessimistic began to fear that the imitation was going to be
one of those imitations of well-known opera artistes which, though
rare, do occasionally add to the horrors of ships' concerts. They
stared at Hignett apprehensively. There seemed to them something
ominous in the man's very aspect. His face was very pale and set, the
face of one approaching a task at which his humanity shudders. They
could not know that the pallor of Eustace Hignett was due entirely to
the slight tremor which, even on the calmest nights, the engines of an
ocean liner produce in the flooring of a dining saloon and to that
faint, yet well-defined, smell of cooked meats which clings to a room
where a great many people have recently been eating a great many meals.
A few beads of cold perspiration were clinging to Eustace Hignett's
brow. He looked straight before him with unseeing eyes. He was thinking
hard of the Sahara.
So tense was Eustace's concentration that he did not see Billie
Bennett, seated in the front row. Billie had watched him enter with a
little thrill of embarrassment. She wished that she had been content
with one of the seats at the back. But her friend Jane Hubbard, who
accompanied her, had insisted on the front row.
In order to avoid recognition for as long as possible, Billie now put
up her fan and turned to Jane. She was surprised to see that her friend
was staring eagerly before her with a fixity almost equal to that of
Eustace.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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