It has often happened that I have commenced a business letter in
the usual formal way, gradually to lose sight of its object in a
crowd of superfluous details. Worse still, if the matter in hand be
delicate or wearisome, my impatience is not slow to assert itself
by remarks and reproaches so pointed and violent that my only
course on reperusal of the letter is to tear it up.
By way of precaution, therefore, O. has adopted the plan of having all
his correspondence re-read by his colleague. Strangely enough, to his
actual caligraphy no exception can be taken. The firmness of the
characters, the accuracy of the punctuation and accentuation, the
straightness of the lines, are as good as in any commercial handwriting.
With the aggravation of his head tics writing has become a serious
affair. Every conceivable attitude has been essayed in turn, and at
present the device he favours is to sit across a chair and rest his chin
or his nose on the back; in this fashion he can write all that is
required.
O.'s every act is characterised by extreme impatience. In his hurry he
comes into collision with surrounding objects or breaks what he is
carrying in his hand, not because of defective vision or inco-ordination
of movement, but because of his eagerness to be done.
In spite of the fact that I know my recklessness to be absurd, that
I see well enough the obstacles around and the danger of an
encounter, I am conscious of a paradoxical impulse to do exactly
what I should not do. In the same instant of time I want what I do
not want. As I pass through a door I knock against the door-post
without fail, for the sole reason that I would avoid it.
There is impatience in his speech. His volubility makes him out short
his own phrases or break in upon the conversation of others. If an idea
suggests itself, he must give it expression. Perhaps the word wedded to
the idea is not at once forthcoming, yet he does not hesitate to invent
a neologism, which is often amusing in spite of or because of its
oddness, and if it please him he will enter it in his vocabulary and use
it in preference to the other.
To wait is foreign to his nature. The least delay at table exasperates
him; any order he gives must be executed instanter; no sooner has he set
out than he would be at his journey's end. An obstruction or difficulty
in the way is the signal for a fresh outburst; his irritation soon
exceeds all bounds; his language degenerates into brutality, his
gestures become increasingly violent and menacing.
It is not with any surprise, then, that we learn in O.'s case of
incipient homicidal and suicidal ideas.
At times when my tics were in full force evil thoughts have often
surged over me, and on two or three occasions I have picked up a
revolver, but reason fortunately has come to the rescue.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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