A thousand times he railed at himself, profanely calling himself many
varieties of a fool. Once and again he strove to restore to cold,
passionless order the seething maelstrom of his thoughts. Why, he
demanded fiercely of himself, should he long to possess this girl with
every aching fibre of his being? The mere urge and fever of animal
passion did not explain the matter; there was something deeper, more
elemental still in the fury of the desire which possessed him, which
drove him forth out of his comfortable house by night and by day as
if pursued by the furies. Because Jarvis was a strong man, his nature
hardened by years of stern, unrelaxing self-discipline, the utter rout
and confusion of his cold, passionless self was the more complete and
disastrous. He hated himself for loving a woman who disdained him, and
hating himself, he loved her with a despair akin to torment. That she
was poor, helpless, already fast closed in his savage grip, like a bird
in a snare, he knew; and yet for the first time he dimly realized the
illusive part of her which successfully evaded his grasp, defied his
power, despised his threats. He might, if he would, crush her by main
force; he could not compel her to love him.
The thought of his own strength, helpless before her weakness,
maddened him. Houses, lands, money, had become passively obedient to
the power of his will. He controlled these things, did with them as
he pleased, in effect an overlord, haughty, unbending, merciless; but
this one thing which he had put out his hand to take—carelessly, as
one will pluck a ripe apple from the bough at the languid prompting
of appetite—this girl, who had for years been no more to him than the
birds hopping in the trees outside his window, how and by what means
had she suddenly contrived to gain this monstrous ascendency over him?
What uncanny power in those clear gray eyes of hers had metamorphosed
Stephen Jarvis, cool, middle-aged man of affairs, into the weak
creature he had always despised in his saner moments?
During these days of inward tumult he carried on the dull routine of
his business, forcing himself to the task with all the powers of a will
suddenly turned traitor to its master. In spite of himself he seemed
to see her there in his lonely house over against the sombre rows of
books, her face vividly alive, defiantly youthful. Despite his resolves
she perpetually came between him and the printed page which he strove
to read; worst of all, she haunted his restless slumbers by night, now
pleading with him; now defying him; mocking him with elfin laughter,
as she fled before him, the child in her arms; while he pursued
leaden-footed through uncounted miles of shadowy country.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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