“I feel a perfect horror, when I imagine, that the woman I love and who
has responded to my love could give herself to another regardless of
me. But have I still a choice? If I love such a woman, even unto
madness, shall I turn my back to her and lose everything for the sake
of a bit of boastful strength; shall I send a bullet through my brains?
I have two ideals of woman. If I cannot obtain the one that is noble
and simple, the woman who will faithfully and truly share my life, well
then I don’t want anything half-way or lukewarm. Then I would rather be
subject to a woman without virtue, fidelity, or pity. Such a woman in
her magnificent selfishness is likewise an ideal. If I am not permitted
to enjoy the happiness of love, fully and wholly, I want to taste its
pains and torments to the very dregs; I want to be maltreated and
betrayed by the woman I love, and the more cruelly the better. This too
is a luxury.”
“Have you lost your senses,” cried Wanda.
“I love you with all my soul,” I continued, “with all my senses, and
your presence and personality are absolutely essential to me, if I am
to go on living. Choose between my ideals. Do with me what you will,
make of me your husband or your slave.”
“Very well,” said Wanda, contracting her small but strongly arched
brows, “it seems to me it would be rather entertaining to have a man,
who interests me and loves me, completely in my power; at least I shall
not lack pastime. You were imprudent enough to leave the choice to me.
Therefore I choose; I want you to be my slave, I shall make a plaything
for myself out of you!”
“Oh, please do,” I cried half-shuddering, half-enraptured. “If the
foundation of marriage depends on equality and agreement, it is
likewise true that the greatest passions rise out of opposites. We are
such opposites, almost enemies. That is why my love is part hate, part
fear. In such a relation only one can be hammer and the other anvil. I
wish to be the anvil. I cannot be happy when I look down upon the woman
I love. I want to adore a woman, and this I can only do when she is
cruel towards me.”
“But, Severin,” replied Wanda, almost angrily, “do you believe me
capable of maltreating a man who loves me as you do, and whom I love?”
“Why not, if I adore you the more on this account? _It is possible to
love really only that which stands above us,_ a woman, who through her
beauty, temperament, intelligence, and strength of will subjugates us
and becomes a despot over us.”
“Then that which repels others, attracts you.”
“Yes. That is the strange part of me.”
“Perhaps, after all, there isn’t anything so very unique or strange in
all your passions, for who doesn’t love beautiful furs? And everyone
knows and feels how closely sexual love and cruelty are related.”
“But in my case all these elements are raised to their highest degree,”
I replied.
“In other words, reason has little power over you, and you are by
nature, soft, sensual, yielding.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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