Ve haf tried efry blan dat ve knows, But to scare dem no vay haf ve found, (How ve vish dey had shtayed vere de snows Blow dose maples und pines all around). Day und night dey vill put oop de shcrap, Und already ve lose vot ve got; Vot's de use for us setting de trap, If dose Rats don't know ven dey get caught. THE KAISER CONSULTS FRITZ October, 1915 Ven der Kaiser vould shtart some beeg shtunt, All dose shwells den soon come to de front, Und de prince, und de king Seem to be de whole ting, Mit old Fritz at de heel of de hunt. But somedimes ven de Kaiser's in doubt, Und already can't find his vay oudt; Ven dose hard shpots he hits, Den he say--"Mine dear Fritz, Vot you tinks of dis peesness, old Scoudt?" So it vas mit dose junkers so shlick, Dey vould soon end dis var britty quick; But, shoost after de Marne De crawl unter de barn, For already dey feel mighty sick. Den der kaiser say--"Fritzie, old chap, Let me know vot you tink of dis schrap; Vill ve lick dose beeg shmoke, Or go britty soon proke, Mit de faderland viped off de map?" Den I say--"Dat's von very hard case; Can tree jacks beat four kings und some ace? Ven ve hafn't de card Ve must bluff britty hard, Or shoost trow down our hand in disgrace. If like checkers ve blay, don't forget Dey got more men dan ve haf, you bet! If ve makes some beeg schore, Und not man off no more, Ve may shtop mit a draw, maype yet." Den der Kaiser say--"Tanks, Mr. Strauss, On your back dere don't grow any moss; I'll shoost blay some more pranks On dose silly old Yanks" Den he gif me von nice iron cross. FRITZ IN THE HOSPITAL Ven der Kaiser his var bugles blow, Und say: "Fritz, to de front you must go," Den it vasn't so strange, I vas glad for de change; But I hope mine Katrina don't know. Britty soon ve're de whole of de show, Und like vater dose goot liquors flow; Ven, mit vine und champaigne Ve got drunk in Louvain, Dere vas tings mine Katrina don't know. Soon already, ve fight mit de foe, For von year, und it seems britty slow; If I'm killed in de trench By dose English und French Den perhaps mine Katrina von't know. So dis time, ven dose hand grenades trow, Den I tinks soon it's time for to go; If mine back's full mit lead, Not mine breast, nor mine head, Dat's von ting mine Katrina don't know. Ven dey takes me some blace down pelow, Mit tree hundred vite peds in von row; For dose nice English nurse [2] I forget dat beeg curse, But I'm glad mine Katrina don't know. [Footnote 2: Gott Strafe England!] FRITZ PHILOSOPHIZES