[Illustration: Cover art] [Frontispiece: "WE'RE WAITING ON YOU, MUM," HE SAID TO HIS PARTNER _By Henry W. Kerr; R.S.A._] [Illustration: Title page] WEE JOHNNIE PATERSON & OTHER HUMOROUS SKETCHES BY W. GRANT STEVENSON, R.S.A. T. N. FOULIS EDINBURGH, LONDON & BOSTON MCMXIV _New Edition, with additional sketches, published September 1914._ Printed by BALLANTYNE, HANSON & Co. at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh PREFACE Laziness and modesty are my excuses for publishing the following Stories. Being frequently accosted by friends and strangers, who say, "Would it be too much to ask you to write out one or two of your Stories for me, as I occasionally do a bit of reciting myself? and if you wrote out one or two for me I would be obliged," I feel that my spare evenings would be rendered monotonous by the repetition of writing them, and at the same time I have a diffidence in refusing; it has therefore occurred to me that an easy and pleasant way out of my embarrassment would be to have them printed, so that I could present copies to the gentlemen who honour me by their requests. Had it not been for chronic laziness I should have responded to a flattering letter from a gentleman in Natal, who wrote: "DEAR SIR,--When in Edinburgh I had the pleasure of hearing you give some of your Stories, and if you would kindly write me out a few I would give them to the best of my ability,--and I am considered rather good at reciting,--and they would be greatly appreciated by the fellows here." I have not answered the request, though the postage has been reduced from sixpence to twopence-halfpenny, and I often think how ashamed I should be if the stranger were to revisit Edinburgh and upbraid me for my want of courtesy. We are told to "be kind to strangers," and I have missed an opportunity. With one or two exceptions, the Stories have appeared in the _Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_, and are here reprinted with the kind permission of the Editor. W. G. S. This the Fourth Edition of _Wee Johnnie Paterson_ is being issued in compliance with repeated requests, in more convenient form and with new stories added. The authorship and paternity of "David and Goliath," having undergone various vicissitudes, is here inserted in compliance with perennial demands. W. G. S. THE LIST OF CONTENTS WEE JOHNNIE PATERSON BOYS AN AMATEUR COOK THE M'CRANKYS AT A PARTY BURNS'S ANNIVERSARY AND THE MILDNESS OF THE SEASON JOHNNIE GIBB'S FUNERAL SPRING CLEANING A MARRIAGE AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES "HOW D'YE DO?" M'CRANKY'S BRACE OF GROUSE M'CRANKY'S DECEPTIONS ABOUT GOLF MRS. M'CRANKY AT THE INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL MATCH MR. M'CRANKY THE SINGING LESSON DAVID AND GOLIATH LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS "WE'RE WAITING ON YOU, MUM," HE SAID TO HIS PARTNER ..... Frontispiece _By Henry W. Kerr, R.S.A._ "DROPPING A COPPER INTO THE DISH OF A BLIND MAN _By Henry W. Kerr, R.S.A._