“Poor Swickles thoroughly enjoyed life.” “Yes, he enjoyed it so much that people are getting up a fund for his widow and children.” * * * * * My sister married a street-car conductor. They ain’t getting along very well together. Why don’t she get a transfer? * * * * * “I’ll see you through,” as the surgeon said to the patient just before turning on the _x_-rays. * * * * * _Beggar_--Please give a poor old blind man a dime? _Citizen_--Why, you can see out of one eye. _Beggar_--Well, then, give me a nickel. * * * * * “The other day, I saw a farmer on Fourteenth Street, so I asked him to hold my cigar while I went into Huber’s. When I came out, he was there with the cigar, all right.” “Well, he wasn’t a farmer.” “No? What was he?” “A cigar-holder.” * * * * * “Doesn’t her hair look killing?” “No wonder; it’s dyed.” * * * * * “If they put the _x_-ray over the hand the bones will come right out.” “Bring it over to the house fish day.” * * * * * “How did you get your start in life?” “My little sister shoved me downstairs.” “No, no. I mean how did you earn your fortune?” “I made all of my money selling wisdom.” “Oh, then you were a bookseller.” “No, I was a bookmaker.” * * * * * “Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his accounts?” “No. The bank’s behind. My brother’s ahead.” * * * * * “I lost my watch in the river three years ago, and it is still running.” “The river?” “The installment jeweler’s bill.” * * * * * The man that makes bets is a gambler, and the man that don’t is no bettor. * * * * * I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for five miles by the scent of my feet. Why don’t you take a bath and fool him? * * * * * “James, my son,” said the man, who stood mixing milk and water, “ye see what I’m a-doin’ of?” “Yes, father,” replied James; “you’re a-pouring water into the milk.” “No, I’m not, James; I’m a-pouring milk into the water. So, if anybody axes you if I put water into the milk, you tell ’em no. Allus stick to the truth, James. Cheatin’ is bad enough, but lyin’ is wuss.” * * * * * _Whyte_--I always make it a rule to kiss my wife whenever I leave the house in the morning and when I come home at night. _Browne_--That’s right. I would if I were you. * * * * * “Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that young man into the family.” “Why, dear?” “Well, when they were playing cards last night I distinctly heard papa say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, Harry.’” * * * * * “It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?” “What does?”