“A nickel and a quarter.” * * * * * “How does your brother like the job of running an elevator?” “Oh, he’s taken up with it.” * * * * * _Dusty Dolittle_--De old guy offered me a job turning a grindstone! _Weary Willie_--Wasn’t yer shocked? _Dusty Dolittle_--Shocked! Why, I didn’t know which way to turn. * * * * * Where are you living now? Up in the tenth story of a brick building. Have you got any children? No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them. * * * * * “See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s nothing but cow-hide!” “What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? Morocco?” * * * * * Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear like a trooper. “Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you to swear like that?” “Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, it’s me who teaches the other boys.” * * * * * _Guest_--“What are these chops, lamb or pork?” _Waiter_--“Can’t you tell by the taste?” _Guest_--“No.” _Waiter_--“Well then, what difference does it make?” * * * * * Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no life to move? I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank walk and a banana stand. I have even seen a cat fish, and a horse fly. * * * * * Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He don’t dare let go. If he did she’d pick his pockets. After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And there’s the coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. Then his mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s the devil to pay. * * * * * Is the Lord everywhere? Yes, my child. Is he in our cellar? Yes, dear. He is not. We have no cellar. * * * * * A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world because he has a head and tail on the same end. * * * * * _Wife_--How did you get along while I was away? _Husband_--I kept house for about ten days, and then I went boarding. _Wife_--Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping house? _Husband_--Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty. * * * * * “What makes you so foolish?” “It’s my mother’s fault.” “Why, how is that?” “She made me sleep under a crazy quilt.” * * * * * “And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who was applying for board; “will you mind it?” “Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of course not! Do you think I’m a nurse?” * * * * * “What did you get that bronze medal for?” “For singing.” “What did you get the gold one for?” “For quitting.” * * * * * “I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.” “Yes. In a millinery store?”