* * * * * I went to church last Sunday and lost my umbrella. I got up in the congregation and said if I didn’t get my umbrella I would come here next Sunday and mention the party’s name that had it. Next morning when I woke up, my back yard was full of umbrellas. * * * * * If your stomach continues to trouble you, you will have to diet. What color do you prefer? * * * * * When you put on your stockings, why are you sure to make a mistake? Because you put your foot in it. * * * * * “Did I ever tell you the story about the empty box?” “You did not. Tell me about it.” “No use--there’s nothing in it.” * * * * * “The President is going to have his name stamped on eighty million toothpicks.” “Yes. He wants his name in everybody’s mouth.” * * * * * When I die I’m going to take all my gold and silver with me. Don’t you do it. Why? Because it will melt where you are going. * * * * * Oh, I’m the flower of my family, all right. I wonder if that’s what your brother meant yesterday when he said you were a blooming idiot? * * * * * The young man in love doesn’t care so much about having a yacht at sea as having a little smack ashore. * * * * * How do you spell mule? M-l-e. That isn’t right; you left something out. Yes. I left _you_ out. * * * * * “How are you to-day?” “Oh, I can’t kick.” “Thought you were ill.” “I am--I have the gout.” * * * * * A little girl went to the drug store for some pills. “Anti-bilious?” asked the clerk. “No, sir. It’s my uncle,” replied the little girl. * * * * * That’s my umbrella you have there. Well, I got it in a pawnshop. Yes, I soaked it away for a rainy day. * * * * * “Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Rich, the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet.” “And when was that, pray?” “At the time he was bathing.” * * * * * How do you like my suit? A beautiful suit; who made it? Carrie Nation. Why, is she a tailor? Yes, she made all the saloonkeepers close. * * * * * What are you crying about? A horse ran away with my brother, threw him out of the carriage, and he has been laid up for six months. Why, that’s nothing. My brother had a terrible accident, too; only his was different; he ran away with the horse. He’s laid up now for six years. * * * * * What are you doing now? I’m brakes-man on a canal boat. What are the duties of a brakes-man on a canal boat? Breaking up wood for the cook. * * * * *