I see they are going to have umbrellas made square. What for? Because they are not safe to leave a-round. * * * * * Corbett, the prize-fighter, has sold the right to a whiskey firm to name a new brand after him. No doubt it will be a good liquor to make strong punches with. * * * * * “And now that we are married, dear, how do you think I will strike your mother?” “Good gracious, Reuben! You’re not going to begin abusing mother right away, are you?” * * * * * Did you hear about it--my wife is married. To whom? Why, to me, of course. * * * * * Why is a woman’s knee and a Jew alike? I don’t know. They are both sheeneys. * * * * * “Doctor,” said the friend, stopping him on the street, “what do you take for a heavy cold?” “A fee,” replied the doctor, softly, and he passed on. * * * * * _Mrs. Peck_ (hearing a racket in the hall)--What are you up to now, Henry? _Mr. Peck_ (feebly)--I’m not up to anything, my dear. I just fell down stairs. * * * * * I got on a train to-day and rode as far as Yonkers, and the conductor came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk all the way back to New York again. I got on another train and went out about thirty miles, and the conductor came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk back to New York again. I got on another train, and, of course, was mad and began to swear; a minister, sitting in a seat behind me, said: “Young man, stop your swearing. Do you know you are on the road to hell?” I said: “Here I am on the wrong train again,” and I had to get off. * * * * * “You would be a good dancer but for two things.” “What are they?” “Your feet.” * * * * * _Gas Man_--Hello! Tom, what are you doing these days? _Pork Packer_--I’m in the meat business. What are you doing? _Gas Man_--I go you one degree better. I’m in the meter business. * * * * * I went fishing to-day. What did you catch? I caught a good eel. While I was fishing to-day I was standing in water six feet deep. Oh, come off the perch. * * * * * I see your sister is getting quite stout now. Yes; she is working in a studio. What has that got to do with it? Why, she works in the developing room. * * * * * Who was George Washington’s father? Who? Old man Washington, of course. * * * * * I’m surprised at you squandering so much money on a phonograph. Well, money talks, you know. * * * * * “Well, well, the greed of these policemen!” “What’s the matter now?”