* * * * * “I hear you had some money left you.” “Yes, it left me long ago.” * * * * * “What makes that fat boy talk so much?” “Oh! can’t you see he’s got a double chin?” * * * * * “What is the height of your ambition, dear?” “Oh, something between five and a half and six feet.” * * * * * “How do you make chickens good fighters?” “Feed them scraps.” * * * * * A man thrown from a horse, the other day, said, as he picked himself up, that he thought he had improved in horsemanship, but, instead had fallen off. * * * * * Noah, when he lit a candle, made the first Ark light. * * * * * “What did you have at the first saloon you stopped at?” asked a lawyer of a witness in an assault and battery case. “What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir.” “What next?” “Two glasses of whiskey.” “Next?” “One glass of brandy.” “Next?” “A FIGHT.” * * * * * “I’m up against it,” said the wall-paper. “Hard luck,” replied the horse-shoe over the door. “Cut it out,” cried the scissors. “Well, I’ve been walked on lately, too,” remarked the carpet. “I’ll get some one to look into this,” said the mirror. “Needn’t,” said the desk, “I haven’t any kick. Everything is all write for mine.” “Oh, shut up,” shouted the window shutters. Whereupon the gas became very angry and, after flaring up, got hot under the collar, and saying that he refused to throw any light on the matter, went out. * * * * * “So you were only seventeen when you married? Well, you didn’t have to wait long for a husband, did you?” “Not then, but I do now. He’s at the club five nights a week.” * * * * * There was an epidemic of measles at our county jail last summer and all the prisoners “broke out.” * * * * * At dinner the other day there was a young lady dining opposite me. I asked her to pass the ice-cream. She did so and I took one big spoonful. I cried like a child. It was horseradish. The young lady asked the cause of my grief. I told her I was thinking of old times and a brother who was hung in Montana. I passed her the “cream.” She took a spoonful and wept copiously. I inquired why she was crying and she said: “I’m crying because you weren’t hung the same time your brother was.” * * * * * An acrobat practising a “backward spring” had an “early fall.” * * * * * Is your father still running a bunco game? My father runs a hotel. Well, that’s the same thing,--he’s bunking people. * * * * * My son is an acrobat; he tumbled on a banana peel yesterday. * * * * * What is a strait? A rubber-neck.