“Were you cool in battle?” “Cool--why, I shivered.” * * * * * I went out to the races and bet. How did you come out? At the gate. * * * * * “How old are you?” “Some take me for fifteen.” “Street cars take me for five.” * * * * * “Brown has seen many a man in a tight place.” “What is he, a pawnbroker?” “No, he’s a bartender.” * * * * * “Who is that woman you tipped your hat to this morning?” “Ah, my boy, I owe a great deal to her.” “Oh, your mother?” “No, my washwoman.” * * * * * Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast? Sure I do. Glue it to the floor. * * * * * If I ever hit you, you will never forget it. If I ever hit you, you will never remember it. * * * * * Why is the ankle between the foot and the knee? To keep the calf from the corn. * * * * * “Can’t you read that sign up there? Ten dollars fine for smoking.” “I am not superstitious, and don’t believe in signs.” * * * * * “I fell asleep in the grave-yard last night.” “On the dead?” * * * * * “What are you doing now?” “I’m working on the town clock.” “If that’s so you must be working overtime.” * * * * * A girl goes into a store to buy garters. “What kind?” “Rubber.” “I’d lose my job if I did.” * * * * * “I hear your uncle died and left his fortune to an orphan asylum.” “Yes.” “What did he leave?” “Fifteen children.” * * * * * “Do you know ping-pong?” “Sure! He washes my shirts.” * * * * * There was a German friend of mine who was quite sick for some time. The doctor told him he might eat anything he wanted. He told his wife he believed he would like some Limburger cheese. His wife was a good-hearted woman; she went out and got twenty pounds of this distinct cheese, and put some in every room in the house, that he might get a nip whenever he wanted it (you can imagine the aroma in that house). The doctor called the next morning, and rang the bell; when the servant opened the door, the doctor paused a moment, then said, “When did he die?” * * * * * “I guess I’ll go out and get the air.” “If you do I’ll put words to it.” * * * * * Do you know that I invented smokeless tobacco. What kind of tobacco is that? Chewing. * * * * * When a man longs for money he is generally short. * * * * * “You have a big head this morning.” “Yes; I was drinking lots of water last night.” “Why, you can’t get drunk on water!”