“Certainly, my boy; you can get drunk on water just the same as you can on land.” * * * * * A GIRL WANTED (in a bakery).--A _rising_ young woman from the (y)east, must be _floury_ in speech, well _bread_ and not inclined to _loaf_, not get _mixed up_, be _pie_-us and sober. To such a one her _dough_ will be paid every night. Any suitable young girl able to _cracker_ joke and _kneeding_ this job may apply to Miss LADY FINGER or LUKE WARMWATER. _Doughnut_ come unless well recommended. One preferred who can _roll up_ and _turn over bun_-dles so quickly as to take the _cake_, but not be _tart_, _snap_-py or _crust_-y or _puff_unctory in her conduct. * * * * * “Why does your wife use that pretty bathing suit?” “Just as a matter of form. They’d arrest her, you know, if she went in without it.” * * * * * “Does your wife miss you much?” “No; she can throw as straight as I can.” * * * * * “Did you ever see a pig wash?” “No, but I saw pig iron.” * * * * * “How is your farm this year?” “A failure. My potatoes had no eyes and they couldn’t see to grow.” * * * * * _She_--I hid a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can’t find it anywhere. _He_--Did you look among the Vs, dear? * * * * * I would never play poker with a dentist. Why not? It’s too easy for him to draw and fill. * * * * * “Well, Tom, what are you working at now?” “Nutting.” “Nothing--well, that’s a healthy occupation for a big man.” “Sure, I work in a nut and bolt factory, putting nuts on bolts, ain’t that nutting?” * * * * * I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach. That’s nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle. * * * * * “I think I’ll celebrate my golden wedding to-morrow.” “Why, you must be crazy! You’ve only been married a little over a year.” “I can hardly believe it! It seems like fifty.” * * * * * What did the Judge say when you sassed him? He said I was a trifle too free, and gave me sixty days. * * * * * Just the other day my wife paid Ten Dollars for a pair of silk hose. I told her that Ten Dollars was too much to pay for a pair of silk stockings. She said she didn’t care which way the wind blowed, she wanted something to show for her money. * * * * * Did you ever hear a fairy story? Yes, a friend of mine told me about a fairy who pinched his watch. * * * * * What is the difference between a cat and a match? A cat lights on its feet and a match lights on its head. * * * * * “I saw a freak of nature yesterday.”