What Every Woman KnowsBarrie, J. M. (James Matthew)
General
What Every Woman Knows
Barrie, J. M. (James Matthew)
Comedy plays; Man-woman relationships -- Drama
MAGGIE. You would never have known I was meddling with it. But that’s
over. Don’t be in too great a hurry to marry, John. Have your fling with
the beautiful dolls first. Get the whiphand of the haughty ones, John.
Give them their licks. Every time they hiccough let them have an extra
slap in memory of me. And be sure to remember this, my man, that the one
who marries you will find you out.
JOHN. Find me out?
MAGGIE. However careful a man is, his wife always finds out his
failings.
JOHN. I don’t know, Maggie, to what failings you refer.
[The Cowcaddens Club has burst its walls, and is pouring this way to
raise the new Member on its crest. The first wave hurls itself against
the barber’s shop with cries of ‘Shand, Shand, Shand.’ For a moment,
JOHN stems the torrent by planting his back against the door.]
You are acting under an impulse, Maggie, and I can’t take advantage of
it. Think the matter over, and we’ll speak about it in the morning.
MAGGIE. No, I can’t go through it again. It ends to-night and now. Good
luck, John.
[She is immediately submerged in the sea that surges through the door,
bringing much wreckage with it. In a moment the place is so full that
another cupful could not find standing room. Some slippery ones are
squeezed upwards and remain aloft as warnings. JOHN has jumped on to
the stair, and harangues the flood vainly like another Canute. It is
something about freedom and noble minds, and, though unheard, goes to
all heads, including the speaker’s. By the time he is audible sentiment
has him for her own.]
JOHN. But, gentlemen, one may have too much even of freedom [No, no.]
Yes, Mr. Adamson. One may want to be tied. [Never, never.] I say yes,
Willie Cameron; and I have found a young lady who I am proud to say is
willing to be tied to me. I’m to be married. [Uproar.] Her name’s Miss
Wylie. [Transport.] Quiet; she’s here now. [Frenzy.] She was here!
Where are you, Maggie? [A small voice--‘I’m here.’ A hundred great
voices--‘Where--where--where?’ The small voice--‘I’m so little none of
you can see me.’]
[Three men, name of Wylie, buffet their way forward.]
DAVID. James, father, have you grip of her?
ALICK. We’ve got her.
DAVID. Then hoist her up.
[The queer little elated figure is raised aloft. With her fingers
she can just touch the stars. Not unconscious of the nobility of his
behaviour, the hero of the evening points an impressive finger at her.]
JOHN. Gentlemen, the future Mrs. John Shand! [Cries of ‘Speech,
speech!’] No, no, being a lady she can’t make a speech, but---
[The heroine of the evening surprises him.]
MAGGIE. I can make a speech, and I will make a speech, and it’s in two
words, and they’re these [holding out her arms to enfold all the members
of the Cowcaddens Club]--My Constituents! [Dementia.]
ACT III
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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