Such self-knowledge does not usually come this easily. We may pride ourselves on honesty, but there are few of us who permit ourselves self-honesty to any real degree. Existential-humanistic psychologists have paid much attention to these ways that we live "in bad faith"--each of us trying to be a person he or she really is not and denying the person he or she really is. We live in a society that emphasizes conformity, "being somebody," gaining status and wealth and a good position--yet these values may not coincide with being true to ourselves. Parental influences can be strong, as can expectations from our spouses. We internalize many of these values so that it becomes difficult to see who we really are and what we really want from life and from our efforts. There are no easy routes to self-realization. We must all do a certain amount of hunting in the dark--or, as a colleague of mine {21} likes to say, "scrabbling about"--for a sense of real identity. Recognizing that your self-understanding is probably always imperfect does not mean that it is of little value. It is, in the end, all any of us has to go on. It may be useful to ask people close to you what they perceive about you. Reading through a group of old letters, keeping a journal, or simply setting aside a few minutes for self-appraisal at the end of each day or week may also be enlightening. If you do this self-examination, gradually where you are and what you feel will become clearer, and then it will be natural and appropriate to ask what the next step is. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO? WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU WANT TO BECOME? Influences from society, your parents, your spouse, or your close friends make it difficult for you to know yourself. Defensive habits and fear of change also stand in the way. These are significant blocks to self-understanding. When you turn your attention to the future, to what kind of person you want to become, you will encounter more blocks to overcome. Life is like that! It seems that few things come without effort and perseverance. There are two major obstacles to designing the model of the person you would like to become. Because they can be so important, I want to introduce them early in this book. They are blame and guilt, and they are like the two ends of a seesaw. When we appraise what we have done in our lives, we usually find reasons to blame others, or perhaps to blame limited educational opportunities, or social pressures, or discrimination--in short, our past environment: all the factors that limited our lives, interfered with the attainment of our hopes, and were not under our control. On the other end of the seesaw sits guilt. And guilt is really blame turned inward.