The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities — David Hume — John Shaqi
The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
Oh, Father Mathew, why dost thou incline
Against all spirits thus to whine?
To preach against good liquor is a scandal.
Why to such rash conclusions jump—
To airy, dull, unsocial pump,
Why give a handle?
Water is very well—but then 'tis known,
That well is always better let alone.
Washing is water's only function,
Save when a little drop poured in-
to brandy, whisky, rum, or gin,
Makes glorious, grand junction.
Think, Father Mathew, how you interfere
With Christmas cheer;
How can we offer friends a welcome hearty,
Unto a cold December water party?
When strangers meet together once or twice,
Wine warms away the chill of cold decorum;
But who could ever hope to break the ice
Cold water would in winter's depth throw o'er 'em?
Who could strike up a joyous song
Upon a cup, however strong,
Of wishy-washy green souchong?
Believe me, Father Mathew, you are wrong!
It would indeed be useless labour,
With such a pledge as those you boast,
To try and pledge one's neighbour,
In a flat toast-and-water toast.
Who could with spirits light advance,
To join the dance,
When with teetotalism clogged,
His heels are water-logged?
They who conform to your teetotal wishes,
And satisfied can be,
With water breakfast, dinner, supper, tea,
I class among the oddest fishes.
No, Father Mathew, let us have our ale—
Water's quite out of the social pale.
[Illustration:
FATHER MATHEW—An ice-man for a small party
]
POPULAR ERRORS.
Sandwich is _not_ famous for its Sandwiches.
Venetian blinds are _not_ imported from Venice.
The captain of a steamer, when at his post, is not a post-captain.
The sword of justice cannot be made sharp without the application of
blunt.
It is an error to suppose that the stature of man is diminished, for the
lengths men go to in the present day was never surpassed. The tallest
men are to be found in Lankyshire.
Jerusalem artichokes do not come from Jerusalem. They are not called
artichokes because any one who makes a hearty meal on them will run the
chance of being choked.
It is a vulgar error that beer is turned sour by thunder. The fact is,
that beer may be turned sour by lightning which does not know how to
conduct itself.
Home-made articles are not always the best; and, indeed, when made at
home, they are often so mysterious, that there is really no making them
out.
[Illustration:
A Returning Officer.
]
REPORT ON PUBLIC HEALTH.