Miss Wartz, Q.C., the celebrated authoress of the "Trials of Women," assisted by fifteen other ladies, appeared for the prosecution; and, having laid down a lovely pair of braces that she had been engaged in working, opened the case by saying that— In the whole of her born days she had never heard of such a downright cruel affair. Ever since she had worn a filthy disgusting wig that covered her "seat of reason" with horse-hair. What on earth had come to the gentlemen lately was really more than she could say. But men's _suits_ now-a-days were so plentiful that it was the third time she had appeared in breeches that day. Really, marriage was made such game of now-a-days, that, terrible to tell! Hymen had completely extinguished his torch; for, as he said, "_le jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle_." (Great confusion and cries of "Silence, my dears! Pray, _pray_, my dears! let us have silence.") The plaintiff in this case is a very good young woman, in the prime of life, and the pastrycook line; Whose manners are lovely, morals excellent, character superb, and eel pies divine. Early each morning defendant would seek out her shop, and stop there the whole of the day. Paying, the great big silly, nothing but compliments for emptying the whole of the stale-tart tray. But his promises proved only pie-crust; for he suddenly left her to make love to a cook-shop next door. After having sworn the fondest devotion, and lived on her eel pies for a good six months or more. And now he sends her a nasty impudent letter, saying, carrots are things he cannot a-bear; Though, as the poor fond dear said, she was ready to _dye_ for his sake, the very moment she heard he didn't like nice warm auburn hair. Mrs. Sniggles was called as witness. She objected to say how old she was. Might be forty—might be twenty. On her oath, she wasn't sixty. _Would_ swear she wasn't fifty-nine. Was perfectly well aware of the consequences of perjury; and yet _would_ persist in affirming that she had not reached her fifty-eighth year. Objected to answer any more questions as to age. (Objection allowed.) Knew plaintiff. Had called to see her, and found the poor thing fainting. She came to a little when the chemist's young man tickled her. Plaintiff hadn't eaten enough to lie on a fourpenny-piece ever since. Wouldn't swear to a fourpenny-piece. At this point of the case, the forewoman of the jury stated to her Honour that their minds were perfectly made up as to the guilt of the prisoner: whereupon Mrs. Serjeant Blubag proceeded to put on the black cap. It was of _crêpe noir_, splendidly trimmed with artificial flowers of rosemary and rue, and had a very _distingué_ and solemn effect. Her Honour dwelt for a considerable time on the wretched man's impudent expression of countenance, asking him in a most impressive manner where he expected he would go to, and concluded by sentencing him to marriage and hard labour for the remainder of his days, as hanging was too good for him.