The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
The defendant was then removed in the custody of Mrs. Twentystone, the
turnkey, and an old maiden lady of a serious turn of mind was
immediately sent for, to prepare the man for his wretched doom.
[Illustration:
A REGULAR POSER.
]
COCKNEY ENIGMAS.
No. 1.
(_On the letter H._)
I dwells in the Herth, and I breathes in the Hair;
If you searches the Hocean you'll find that I'm there.
The first of all Hangels in Holympus am Hi,
Yet I'm banish'd from 'Eaven, expell'd from on 'Igh.
But tho' on this Horb I am destin'd to grovel,
I'm ne'er seen in an 'Ouse, in an 'Ut, nor an 'Ovel;
Not an 'Oss nor an 'Unter e'er bears me, alas!
But often I'm found on the top of a Hass.
I resides in a Hattic, and loves not to roam,
And yet I'm invariably habsent from 'Ome.
Tho' 'ushed in the 'Urricane, of the Hatmosphere part,
I enters no 'Ed, I creeps into no 'Art.
Only look, and you'll see in the Heye I appear,
Only hark, and you'll 'ear me just breathe in the Hear;
Though in sex not an 'E, I am (strange paradox!)
Not a bit of an 'Effer, but partly a Hox.
Of Heternity Hi'm the beginning! And mark,
Though I goes not with Noar, I'm the first in the Hark.
I'm never in 'Elth—have with Fysic no power;
I dies in a Month, but comes back in a Hour.
No. II.
(_On the letter W._)
The Vide Vorld you may search and my fellow not find;
I dwells in a Wacuum, deficient in Vind;
In the Wisage I'm seen—in the Woice I am heard,
And yet I'm inwisible—gives went to no Vurd.
I'm not much of a Vag, for I'm vanting in Vit;
But distinguish'd in Werse for the Wollums I've writ.
I'm the head of all Willains, yet far from the Vurst—
I'm the foremost in Wice, tho' in Wirtue the first.
I'm us'd not to Veapons, and ne'er goes to Vor;
Tho' in Walour inwincible—in Wictory sure.
The first of all Wiands and Wictuals is mine—
Rich in Wen'zon and Weal, but deficient in Vine.
To Wanity given, I in Welwets abound;
But in Voman, in Vife, and in Vidow an't found;
Yet, conspicuous in Wirgins! And I'll tell you, between us,
To persons of taste I'm a bit of a Wenus;
Yet none take me for Veal—or for Voe in its stead,
For I ranks not among the s-veet Voo'd Vun and Ved.
[Illustration:
"I SEE I MUST GIVE IT UP."
]
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The Ancients certainly made a great mistake in not choosing Niobe for
the Goddess of Marriage. Hymen is by far too jolly; he is all smiles—
more of the hyena than the crocodile; whilst Niobe is just as she ought
to be—all tears.