The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities — David Hume — John Shaqi
The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
In turning our attention to the infant mind, we have discovered that it
is a sort of compound of caoutchouc and wax, the caoutchouc being to the
wax about two and a-half to one and three-quarters; so that more whacks
will be found requisite to give it a proper tone for educational
purposes. There is no doubt that children, like grape-vines,
prizefighters, scarlet-runners, and jockeys, are capable of training.
The mode of training jockeys, which is to keep them on short diet, so as
to diminish their weight, we strongly recommend for the training of
pauper children; because, as they are necessarily a burden to the
parish, it is only fair that they should be as light a burden as
possible.
The introduction of Mr. Hullah's system of Singing for the Million we do
not recommend. It increases the appetite by exercising the lungs; and it
has been ascertained that if thirty children are taken, of whom fifteen
have just sung God Save the Queen, and fifteen have not, the fifteen who
have sung God Save the Queen will eat one-sixteenth more than the
fifteen others. This was tried with a round of beef and some boys
belonging to the Model School at Battersea. The beef, when divided by
those who had not been singing, went once into fifteen and something
over; but the boys who had been singing went twice into the beef, and
left the remainder nothing.
With regard to dancing, we are inclined to believe that it may safely be
made a portion of the training of pauper children. It would certainly
give facility to their future steps in life, and enable them to turn
themselves round after they leave the workhouse. We are also disposed to
think that the great demand for cherubs, which is likely to arise by the
opening of the large theatres for opera and ballet, will render the
"dancing of pauper children" an important source of parochial revenue.
With a view to the introduction of dancing into pauper schools, we have
caused a copy of the following questions to be addressed to the master
of every union workhouse:—
"1. Inquire the state of all the pauper children's toes, and how they
are likely to turn out.
"3. Inquire the age at which the dancing days are usually said to be
over.
"4. Cause an investigation into the meaning of the familiar term
'leading him a pretty dance;' which is believed to be a sort of _pas de
do_ between a debtor, who is out of the way, and a creditor.
"2. Ascertain the number of bow-knees and bandy-legs throughout the
school, and divide them into tables, distinguishing the ages of the
respective owners."