In the shock and excitement of battle a man can bear the amputation of
a mangled limb without great suffering. It is afterwards that the agony
sets in, when the nerves have quieted to responsiveness. So it was with
Joyce on that sleepless night of his great renunciation, and with his
misery was mingled despair lest all should prove to be futile, his
theory of renunciation; a ghastly fallacy. Time was when he would have
mocked at the proposition. Could he even now defend it upon rational
grounds? Had he not cut off his leg to compensate for the loss of an
arm, thereby adding to the gaiety of the high gods? He tossed about in
the bed in anguish, “burning out his hell.”
A man of sensitive, emotional temperament, however, cannot pass through
such an ordeal unchanged. Some fibres must be shrivelled up, whilst
others are toughened. Joyce rose in the morning with aching head and
exhausted nerves, but still with a dull sense of calm. Fallacy or not,
at any rate he had chosen the man’s part. The consciousness of it was an
element of strength. He dressed and went downstairs.
Yvonne was already in the room, neat and dainty as usual, making the
toast for breakfast. She was pale and had the faint rings below the
eyes that ever tell tales on a woman’s face. She looked round at him
anxiously, as she knelt before the fire. He saw her trouble and went and
sat in the armchair beside her and spread out his hands to warm them.
“You have been worrying, my poor little Yvonne,” he said gently. “I was
a selfish beast to let you think I wanted to make up my mind, when
my course was so plain. I wrote to Everard last night. I told him to
cherish the treasure that he has got. You shouldn’t have worried over
it.”
Yvonne turned away her face from him, and remained silent for some
moments, half kneeling, half sitting, the toasting-fork drooping idly
from her hand.
“It was foolish of me,” she replied at last “But it seemed hard to leave
you alone--and I ’ve got so used to this little place--one gets attached
to places, like a cat--Did you--were you sorry to give me away?”
“Of course,” said Joyce. “I thought we could go on being brother and
sister till the end of all things. Well, all things have an end, and
this is it.”
“You would not prefer me to stay?” asked Yvonne, in her soft voice.
He would have given his soul to have been able to throw his arms round
her, passionately and wildly--she was so near him, so maddeningly
desired. Did she realise, he wondered, what flame was in her words? He
leaned back in the chair, as if to avert the temptation by increasing
the distance between them.
“No,” he said, with a sharp breath, “I could not--it will be a wrench
breaking up the--partnership. But it is all for the best. I know you
will be happy and cared for, and that will be a happiness to me.”