A Capillary Crime, and Other Stories — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
A Capillary Crime, and Other Stories
John Stuart Mill · en
The poor old soul had been living her life over again, day after day, as
she sat knitting and looking out to sea, her imagination quickened and
her memory refreshed by the surroundings which in many decades had
scarcely changed at all.
This information gave a new stimulus to my thoughts, and I lay awake and
pondered and surmised more than ever. There seemed to be something
hidden away in my own consciousness, which was endeavoring to work its
way into recognition. It would almost come in range of my mental vision,
and then would lose itself again, just as some well-known name will
coquettishly elude the grasp of the memory. While lying awake in a real
agony of thought, a vague feeling would enter my mind for an instant,
that I had only to interpret what I already knew, and the mystery of my
imagination would be clear to me. Then I would revolve and revolve again
all the details of the story, but the fugitive idea always escaped me.
With that discouraging persistence which is utterly beyond our control,
whenever great anxiety weighs upon our minds, I would repeat, again and
again, the same series of arguments and the same line of theories until
at last, utterly worn out, I would go to sleep. It was quite
inexplicable that I should think so much about a sculptor of whom I had
never heard, except from Tedesco’s Rubina, and who died long before I
was born; but, in spite of my reason, I could not rid myself of the
vague consciousness that there was something I was unwittingly hiding
from myself.
One warm night in summer I sat up quite late writing letters, and then,
thinking I should go to sleep at once on account of my fatigue, went to
bed. But sleep came only after some hours, and even then not until I had
stood for a long time looking out of the window on the moonlit houses
below, with my bare feet on the cold stone floor. The first thought that
came to my head, as I awoke the next morning, was about that marble head
I had seen in Rome a year before. The dark page of my mind became
illuminated in an instant. I did not need to summon Lisa to note the
resemblance of her face to the marble one which had so fascinated me,
for I was familiar enough with her features to require no aid to my
memory. Besides, I had a fairly accurate study of her head on my easel,
and I compared the face on the canvas with the marble one which I now
remembered so vividly. There was the identical contour of the cheeks and
forehead, with the hyper-delicate chin; the nose, the mouth, the eyes,
each repeated the forms of the marble bust. It was the color alone that
gave the painting its modern aspect, and it had been, I now saw, my
preoccupation with the color which had prevented my observing the
resemblance before. The only thing my portrait lacked, as a
representation of the model from whom the marble was made, was that
fascinating expression of girlhood, which, I was obliged to confess to
myself, I had not succeeded in catching.