We are waging--can you doubt it? A campaign so calm and still No one knows a thing about it, And we hope they never will. No one knows What we oppose, And we hope they never will. We are ladylike and quiet, Here a whisper--there a hint; Never speeches, bands or riot, Nothing suitable for print. No one knows What we oppose, For we never speak for print. Sometimes in profound seclusion, In some far (but homelike) spot, We will make a dark allusion: "We're opposed to you-know-what." No one knows What we oppose, For we call it "You-Know-What." The Woman of Charm ("I hate a woman who is not a mystery to herself, as well as to me."--_The Phoenix_.) If you want a receipt for that popular mystery Known to the world as a Woman of Charm, Take all the conspicuous ladies of history, Mix them all up without doing them harm. The beauty of Helen, the warmth of Cleopatra, Salome's notorious skill in the dance, The dusky allure of the belles of Sumatra, The fashion and finish of ladies from France. The youth of Susanna, beloved by an elder, The wit of a Chambers' incomparable minx, The conjugal views of the patient Griselda, The fire of Sappho, the calm of the Sphinx, The eyes of La Vallière, the voice of Cordelia, The musical gifts of the sainted Cecelia, Trilby and Carmen and Ruth and Ophelia, Madame de Staël and the matron Cornelia, Iseult, Hypatia and naughty Nell Gwynn, Una, Titania and Elinor Glyn. Take of these elements all that is fusible, Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum, And a Woman of Charm is the residuum! (Slightly adapted from W.S. Gilbert.) A Modern Proposal (It has been said that the feminist movement is the true solution of the mother-in-law problem.) Sylvia, my dear, I would be yours with pleasure, All that you are seems excellent to me, Except your mother, who's much more at leisure Than mothers ought to be. Find her a fad, a job, an occupation, Eugenics, dancing, uplift, yes, or crime, Set her to work for her Emancipation-- That takes a lot of time. Or, if the suffrage doctrine fails to charm her, There are the Antis--rather in her line-- Guarding the Home from Maine to Alabama Would keep her out of mine. The Newer Lullaby ("Good heavens, when I think what the young boy of to-day is growing up to I gasp. He has too many women around him all the time. He has his mother when he is a baby."--_Bernard Fagin, Probation Officer_.) Hush-a-bye, baby, Feel no alarm, Gunmen shall guard you, Lest Mother should harm. Wake in your cradle, Hear father curse! Isn't that better Than Mother or Nurse? The Protected Sex