Interim : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 5 — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Interim : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 5
John Stuart Mill · en
conviction. Being what she was, why could she not be sufficient to
herself? Entrenched in uncertainty she seemed less than herself. Her
careful good clothes, so exquisitely kept, the delicate old gold chain,
the little pearled cross, the old fine delicate rings, the centuries of
shadowy ecclesiasticism in her head and face, the look of waiting,
gazing from grey stone framed days upon a jewelled splendour, grew with
her uncertainty small and limited. It was unbearable that they should
have no meaning ... Grace was ready to take all she possessed into a
world where it would have no meaning; ready to disappear and be changed.
She was changed already. She could not get back and there was nothing to
go forward to. Miriam dropped her eyes and sat back in her chair. The
tide of her own life flowed fresh all about her; the room and the figure
at her side made a sharply separated scene, a play watched from a
distance, the end visible in the beginning to be read in the shapes and
tones and folds of the setting, the intentions and statements nothing
but impotent irrelevance, only bearable for the opportunities they
offered here and there, involuntarily, for sudden escape into the
reality that nothing touched or changed. If only Grace could be forced
to see the unchanging reality.... Oh Miriam darling, breathed Grace in
an even, anxious tone. Miriam suppressed a desire to whistle;--Oh well
of course that may make a _difference_ she said hurriedly, checking the
thrill in her voice. Far back in the caverns of the fire life moved
sunlit. She dropped her eyes and drew away the hand that Grace had
clasped. Life danced and sang within her; shreds of song; the sense of
the singing of the wind; clear bright light streaming through large
houses, quickening on walls and stairways and across wide rooms. Along
clear avenues of light radiating from the future, pouring from behind
her into the inner channels of her eyes and ears came unknown forms
moving in a brilliance, casting a brilliance across the visible past,
warming its shadows, bathing its bright levels in sparkling gold. Her
free hands lifted themselves until only the tips of her fingers rested
on her knees and her hair strove from its roots as if the whole length
would stand and wave upright.--You see--she said to gain a moment.
Suddenly her mind became a blank. Her body was heavy on her chair,
ill-clothed, too warm, peevishly tingling with desires. She stirred,
shrinking from her ugly, inexorable cheap clothes, her glasses, the
mystery of her rigid stupidly done hair; how how _how_ did people get
expression into their hair consciously and not by accident? Why did
Grace like her in spite of all these things, in spite of the evil
thoughts which must show. She did. She had felt nothing, seen nothing.
She dissembled her face and turned towards Grace, gazing past her into
the darkness beyond the range of the firelight. Just outside the rim of
her glasses Grace's firelit face gleamed on the edge of the darkness