Joe Miller's _JESTS_ OR, THE WITS _VADE-MECUM_. BEING A Collection of the most Brilliant JESTS; the Politest REPARTEES; the most Elegant BONS MOTS, and most pleasant short Stories in the _English_ Language. First carefully collected in the Company, and many of them transcribed from the Mouth of the Facetious GENTLEMAN, whose Name they bear; and now set forth and published by his lamentable Friend and former Companion, _Elijah Jenkins_, Esq; Most Humbly INSCRIBED _To those_ CHOICE-SPIRITS _of the_ AGE, Captain BODENS, Mr. ALEXANDER POPE, Mr. Professor LACY, Mr. Orator HENLEY, and JOB BAKER, the Kettle-Drummer. _LONDON:_ Printed and Sold by T. READ, in _Dogwell-Court, White-Fryars, Fleet-Street_, MDCCXXXIX. Transcriber's Note: Jest number 59 was omitted from the original text. JOE MILLER's _JESTS_. 1. The Duke of _A----ll_, who says more good Things than any Body, being behind the Scenes the First Night of the _Beggar's Opera_, and meeting _Cibber_ there, well _Colley_, said he, how d'you like the _Beggar's Opera_? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it, said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.[1] [1] See _Cibber's_ Preface to _Provok'd Husband_. 2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at _Drury-Lane_ Play-House, Mr. _Wilks_, coming upon the Stage to say something to pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having took up, making a low Bow, this is no _Civil Orange_, I think, said he. 3. Mr. _H--rr--n_, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in _Ireland_, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in _Dublin_, _Monoca Gall_, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her Assurance, striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay, Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have been fairly entered. 4. _Joe Miller_ sitting one day in the Window at the _Sun-Tavern_ in _Clare-Street_, a Fish Woman and her Maid passing by, the Woman cry'd, _Buy my Soals; buy my Maids_: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest _Joe_, _What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must sell your Maid's too?_ 5. When the Duke of _Ormond_ was young, and came first to Court, he happen'd to stand next my Lady _Dorchester_, one Evening in the Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions, let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd. What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind every Thing you _hear_ in this Place. 6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more _crooked_ Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then _Ram's Horns_, you Rogue, said she, if I die for't.