Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum
John Stuart Mill · en
190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in _Flanders_,
had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very
extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was
always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former
would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last _Stiver_; to
prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his
Companions the next Day, he told them _he had bit his Comrade_. _Ay,
how?_ says they. _Why_, says he, _I hid my Money in his own Pocket last
Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there_.
191. The famous Sir _George Rook_, when he was a Captain of _Marines_,
quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At
length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Internment
any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain _Rook_,
he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier,
then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embarass'd
the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, _If he'd fetch the Man away,
he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing_.
192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country
where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one
Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, _Well_, Doctor,
says he, _for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be
the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord_, replied the Doctor, _for if
it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here_.
193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of
miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to
contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. _Alban_'s, there
was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of
that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he
wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set
out the next Day to St. _Alban_'s, where they found themselves
miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the Person with
telling them so monstrous a Story; _Look ye there now_, said he, _you
told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to
contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to
confute me, which is very uncivil_.
194. A _Welchman_ and an _Englishman_ vapouring one Day at the
Fruitfulness of their Countries; the _Englishman_ said, there was a
Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a
_Kiboo_ was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Grass,
that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; _Splut_, says the
_Welchman, what's that_? _There's a Close where hur was born, where you
may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next
Morning._