Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum
John Stuart Mill · en
237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had
kill'd a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to
a Tree; upon which his Master call'd to him, and asked him, _what he
was afraid of the Boar's Gut's were out?_ _No matter for that_, says
he, _his Teeth are in_.
238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it
went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the House, altho' it
wasn't charged: _How the Devil can that be?_ said t'other: _Because_,
said the First, _the Thief_ carry'd _it off, and what was worse, before
I had Time to_ charge _him with it_.
239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy
cry'd, _Have a Light, Gentlemen?_ _Light yourself to the Devil, you
Dog_, says one of the Company: _Bless you, Master_, reply'd the Boy,
_we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your Worship thither_.
240. A Person was once try'd at _Kingston_ before the late Lord Chief
Justice _Holt_, for having two Wives, where one _Unit_ was to have been
the chief Evidence against him: After much calling for him, Word was
brought that they could hear nothing of him. _No_, says his Lordship,
_why then, all I can say, is, Mr._ Unit _stands for a_ Cypher.
241. 'Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably
surpriz'd with the Confession of Love, from an ador'd Mistress. A young
Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told
her, He was reduc'd even to the want of five Guineas: To which she
replied, _I am glad of it with all my Heart_: Are you so, Madam, adds
he, suspecting her Constancy: Pray, why so? _Because_, says she, _I can
furnish you with five Thousand_.
242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations
were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King's Health and
Prosperity to _England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured_: Ay, says
one, and 500 Years after, _for I have put both my Sons Apprentices to a
Tallow-Chandler_.
243. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his last
Suit of Cloathes; one said to him, Now I hope, you'll own yourself a
happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares: How so, said the
Gentleman; _Because_, said the other, _you've nothing left to take care
of_.
244. Some years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in
_Richmond-Park_, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that Orders
were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but the
Servants of the Household. A fat Country Parson having, on one of these
Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain _B-d-ns_,
promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would
have stopp'd him, by telling him, none but the Houshold were to be
admitted: Why, d--mn you, said the Captain, don't you know the
Gentleman? _He's his Majesty's Hunting-Chaplain_: Upon which the
Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to Recreation.