Loved you better than you knew — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Loved you better than you knew
John Stuart Mill · en
“I don’t know what Cinthy will say to this. Her heart is set on Arthur
Varian. He stands for everything she longs for most, and her hatred of
her life with me is intense and rebellious. You can never reconcile her
to it again.”
“I must make a change in it, then, though my means are not large,” he
sighed.
“So much the worse, for she loves luxury and pleasure, and her heart is
almost starved for love. You know I have a reserved nature, Everard,
and never pet anything. I have brought her up kindly, but rigidly, and
she resents my discipline and your neglect almost equally.”
“Poor girl! Perhaps she has cause. I have certainly almost forgotten
her existence in these years of exile. But what alleviation was there
to my misery except to forget?” he cried, passionately.
“Poor boy!” she sighed, forgetting that he was forty-five. She was
twenty years older, and to her he appeared young.
He made a movement of keen self-scorn.
“I don’t deserve your pity!” he cried. “I have been a coward, shifting
my burden on your shoulders, hating to come home, weary of my life. But
at last the voice of duty clamored at my heart. I remembered you were
growing old, and that the child was almost a woman. I came at last, but
even then reluctantly. Can you ever forgive my fault?”
Many times she had said to herself, in her impatience of Cinthia’s
discontent, that she could never forgive her brother for saddling her
with the care of a child in her old age; but at the sight of him, so
sad, so broken, so self-accusing, she could not utter the words of
blame that at first had trembled on her tongue. She answered instead:
“What could you have done with a girl-child? And I was the only one
you could turn to in your trouble. But I must warn you that you will
not find an affectionate daughter. You have been away so long that she
scarcely remembers your face, and she has chafed bitterly at your
neglect.”
“I suppose that is natural, and--I do not think we shall ever be very
fond of each other,” he replied, with strange bitterness.
“When do you wish to see her, Everard? She is in bed now.”
“Do not disturb her sweet dreams. Our interview can easily wait till
to-morrow,” he said, with strange coldness for a man whose nearest tie
was this beautiful, neglected daughter.
He got up and stood with his back to the fire, his pale troubled face
in shadow.
“Don’t let me keep you up longer. You look pale and tired, poor soul!”
he said, kindly; adding: “Can you give me a bed, or shall I go to the
hotel?”
“I can give you a room,” she answered, lighting a bedroom-candle for
him and leading the way to a cozy down-stairs chamber.
“Good-night. I hope you will sleep well,” she said, leaving him to
ascend to her own quarters opposite Cinthia’s own little white-hung
room that she took much pains in beautifying after her girlish fancies.