“Oh, sir,” said she, wondering if she should kneel, “Miss Celia’s just this minute running away out of the side gate with a young man to be married. I couldn’t stop her, sir. They went in a cab.” “What young man?” roared old Jacob. “A millionaire, if you please, sir—a rich nobleman in disguise. He carries his money with him, and the red peppers and the onions was only to blind us, sir. He never did seem to take to me.” Jacob rushed out in time to catch his car. The chauffeur had been delayed by trying to light a cigarette in the wind. “Here, Gaston, or Mike, or whatever you call yourself, scoot around the corner quicker than blazes and see if you can see a cab. If you do, run it down.” There was a cab in sight a block away. Gaston, or Mike, with his eyes half shut and his mind on his cigarette, picked up the trail, neatly crowded the cab to the curb and pocketed it. “What t’ell you doin’?” yelled the cabman. “Pa!” shrieked Celia. “Grandfather’s remorseful friend’s agent!” said Thomas. “Wonder what’s on his conscience now.” “A thousand thunders,” said Gaston, or Mike. “I have no other match.” “Young man,” said old Jacob, severely, “how about that parlor maid you were engaged to?” A couple of years afterward old Jacob went into the office of his private secretary. “The Amalgamated Missionary Society solicits a contribution of $30,000 toward the conversion of the Koreans,” said the secretary. “Pass ’em up,” said Jacob. “The University of Plumville writes that its yearly endowment fund of $50,000 that you bestowed upon it is past due.” “Tell ’em it’s been cut out.” “The Scientific Society of Clam Cove, Long Island, asks for $10,000 to buy alcohol to preserve specimens.” “Waste basket.” “The Society for Providing Healthful Recreation for Working Girls wants $20,000 from you to lay out a golf course.” “Tell ’em to see an undertaker.” “Cut ’em all out,” went on Jacob. “I’ve quit being a good thing. I need every dollar I can scrape or save. I want you to write to the directors of every company that I’m interested in and recommend a 10 per cent. cut in salaries. And say—I noticed half a cake of soap lying in a corner of the hall as I came in. I want you to speak to the scrubwoman about waste. I’ve got no money to throw away. And say—we’ve got vinegar pretty well in hand, haven’t we?’ “The Globe Spice & Seasons Company,” said secretary, “controls the market at present.” “Raise vinegar two cents a gallon. Notify all our branches.” Suddenly Jacob Spraggins’s plump red face relaxed into a pulpy grin. He walked over to the secretary’s desk and showed a small red mark on his thick forefinger. “Bit it,” he said, “darned if he didn’t, and he ain’t had the tooth three weeks—Jaky McLeod, my Celia’s kid. He’ll be worth a hundred millions by the time he’s twenty-one if I can pile it up for him.” As he was leaving, old Jacob turned at the door, and said: