The American Joe Miller: A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humor — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The American Joe Miller: A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humor
John Stuart Mill · en
A Western paper gives the following notice:--All notices of marriage,
where no bride-cake is sent, will be set up in small type, and poked
into some outlandish corner of the papers. Where a handsome piece of
cake is sent, it will be put conspicuously in large letters; when
gloves, or other bride favours are added, a piece of illustrative
poetry will be given in addition. When, however, the editor attends
the ceremony in _propriâ personâ_, and kisses the bride, it will have
especial notice--very large type, and the most appropriate poetry that
can be begged, borrowed, stolen, or coined from the brain editorial.
A HOMELY FLAG OF TRUCE.--48.
A rebel at Gettysburg, wishing to surrender, and having nothing
else for a flag of truce, dived his hands into his pantaloons, and
elevated his shirt above his head, amid roars of laughter from the
Federals, who immediately accepted his unconditional surrender. Rather
a good thing for that rebel that he was the possessor of such a luxury
as a reasonably clean shirt.
HE HAD HIM THAT TIME.--49.
A candidate for office, wishing to describe his opponent as a
"soulless man," said: "Some persons hold the opinion that just at
the precise moment after one human being dies, another is born,
and the soul enters and animates the new-born babe. Now, I have
made particular inquiries concerning my opponent, and I find that
for some hours before he drew breath nothing but a donkey died.
Fellow-citizens, I will now leave you to draw the inference."
"DE DISSOLUTION OF COPARSNIPS."--50.
A coloured firm in Newark, New Jersey, having suffered some pecuniary
embarrassments, recently closed business, and the senior member gave
to the public the following "notis:"--"De dissolution of coparsnips
heretofo resisting twixt me and Mose Jones in the barber perfession,
am heretofo resolved. Pussons who ose must pay to de scriber. Dem what
de firm ose must call on Jones, as de firm is insolved."
UNACCEPTABLE GRATITUDE.--51.
Lieutenant J----n, late of the 16th regiment, was, a few days ago,
walking down Main Street, Utica, when he was accosted by a fellow,
half soldier, half beggar, with a most reverential military salute.
"God bless your honour," said the man, whose accent betrayed him to
be Irish, "and long life to you." "How do you know me?" said the
lieutenant. "Is it how do I know your honour?" responded Pat. "Good
right, sure, I have to know the man who saved my life in battle." The
lieutenant, highly gratified at this tribute to his valour, slid a
fifty cent bill into his hand, and asked him when. "God bless your
honour, and long life to you," said the grateful veteran. "Sure it was
at Antietam, when, seeing your honour run away as fast as your legs
could carry you from the rebels I followed your lead, and ran after
you out of the way whereby, under God, I saved my life. Oh! good luck
to your honour; I never will forget it to you."
FEELING HER WAY.--52.