The American Joe Miller: A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humor — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The American Joe Miller: A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humor
John Stuart Mill · en
The following dialogue on "sharp shooting" is reported to have taken
place between a Virginee and a Yankee picket:--"I say, can you
fellows shoot?" "Wall, I reckon we can some. Down in Mississippi we
can knock a bumble-bee off a thistle bow at three hundred yards."
"Oh, that ain't nothing to the way we seewt up in Varmount. I belonged
to a military company ther', with a hundred men in the company, and
we went out for practice every week. The capt'n draws us up in single
file, and sets a cider-barrel rolling down the hill, and each man
takes his shot at the bung-hole as it turns up. It is afterwards
examined, and if there is a shot that didn't go in the bung-hole the
number who missed it is expelled. I belonged to the company ten years,
and there ain't been nobody expelled yet."
FOUR POINTS OF A CASE.--5.
An Eastern editor says that a man in New York got himself into trouble
by marrying two wives. A Western editor replies by assuring his
contemporary that a good many men in that section had done the same
thing by marrying one. A Northern editor retorts that quite a number
of his acquaintances found trouble enough by barely promising to
marry, without going any further. A Southern editor says that a friend
of his was bothered enough when simply found in company with another
man's wife.
ADVANTAGE OF BURNING TWO CANDLES.--6.
A celebrated American judge had a very stingy wife. On one occasion
she received his friends in the drawing-room with a single candle. "Be
pleased, my dear," said his lordship, "to let us have a second candle
that we may see where the other stands."
A 4-TUNATE YOUNG MAN.--7.
There is a young man in the U. S. army, who was born July 4, at 4
o'clock, p.m., at No. 44, in a street in Boston, is the 4th child,
has 4 names, enlisted in the Newton company, which joined the 4th
battalion, 44th regiment, and on the 4th of August was appointed 4th
corporal, and is now gone to defend his country.
ELBOW-ROOM SCARCE.--8.
Elbow-room has been quite scarce in Nashville during the past week.
Such scrouging, gouging, turning in and turning out, has seldom
before been witnessed. Instance the following:--Traveller dismounts
at a tavern. "Hallo, landlord, can I get lodgings here to-night?"
Landlord: "No, sir; every room in the house is engaged." Traveller:
"Can't you give me a blanket and a bunch of shavings for a pillow in
your bar-room?" Landlord: "No, sir; there's not a square foot of space
unoccupied anywhere in the house." Traveller: "Then I'll thank you,
sir, to shove a pole out of your second-floor window, and I'll roost
on that."
A COUPLE OF REASONS TOO MANY.--9.