A teacher in a western county in Canada, while making his first visit to his "constituents," came into conversation with an ancient "Varmount" lady, who had taken up her residence in the "backwoods." Of course, the school and former teachers came in for criticism; and the old lady, in speaking of his predecessor, asked: "Wa'll, master, what do yer think he larnt the schollards?" "Couldn't say, ma'am. Pray, what did he teach?" "Wa'al, he told 'em that this 'ere airth was _reound_, and went areound; and all that sort 'o thing. Now, master, what do _you_ think about sich stuff? Don't you think he was an ignorant feller?" Unwilling to come under the category of the ignorami, the teacher evasively remarked: "It really did seem strange; but still there are many learned men who teach these things." "Wa'al," says she, "if the airth is reound, and goes reound, what holds it _up_?" "Oh, these learned men say that it goes around the sun, and that the sun holds it up by virtue of the law of attraction." The old lady lowered her "specs," and, by way of climax, responded: "Wa'al, if these high larn't men sez the sun holds up the airth, _I should like tu know what holds the airth up when the sun goes down_!" GRIEVING FOR A WIFE.--302. A man in New Hampshire had the misfortune recently to lose his wife. Over the grave he caused a stone to be placed, on which, in the depth of his grief, he had ordered to be inscribed--"Tears cannot restore her, therefore I weep." WHAT IRISHMEN DO!--303. George Penn Johnson, one of our most eloquent stump speakers, who loves a good thing too well to let it slip upon any occasion, addressing a meeting where it was a great point to obtain the Irish vote, after alluding to the native American party in no flattering terms, inquired, "Who dig our canals? Irishmen. Who build our railroads? Irishmen. (Great applause.) Who build all our gaols? Irishmen. (Still greater applause.) Who fill all our gaols? Irishmen!" This capping climax, if it did not bring down the house, did the Irish in a rush for the stand. Johnson did not wait to receive them. SAD SCARCITY OF PAPER.--304. Paper is so scarce in the South that the editor of the _Morning Traitor_ writes his editorials with stolen chalk on the sole of his boot, and goes barefooted while his boy sets up the manuscript! THE DATE WANTED.--305. At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Say, mister, you couldn't fix the date, could you?" THE HEIGHT OF MEANNESS.--306. The meanest fellow in Onondaga county is a fellow who once had the plate of his grandmother's coffin made over into a tobacco-box. COLUMBUS'S DISCOVERY.--307. A country editor thinks that Columbus is not entitled to much credit for discovering America, as the country is so large he could not well have missed it. THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.--308.