The golden windmill, and other stories — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The golden windmill, and other stories
John Stuart Mill · en
In the twilight of his mind there stirred the dim realization of pain.
He could not account for this nor for his lack of desire to thrust the
pain back. It was moreover mellowed by the alluring embraces of an
enveloping darkness, a darkness which he idly desired to pierce, and yet
which soothed him with its caliginous touch. Some subconscious voice,
too, kept repeating that it was ridiculous, that he really had control,
that the darkness was due to the fact that it was night, and that he was
in his own bed. In the room across the passage his mother was sleeping
peacefully. And yet the pain, which he could not account for, seemed to
press him down and to rack his lower limbs. There was a soothing interval
of utter darkness and forgetfulness, and then the little waves of febrile
consciousness began to lap the shores of distant dreams, and visions of
half-forgotten episodes became clear and pregnant.
He remembered standing by the French window in their own dining-room, his
mother’s dining-room, rapping his knuckles gently on the panes. Beneath
the window was the circular bed of hollyhocks just beginning to flower,
and below the terrace the great avenue of elms nodding lazily in the sun.
He could hear the coffee-urn on its brass tripod humming comfortably
behind him while he waited for his mother to come down to breakfast. He
was alone, and the newspaper in his hand was shaking. War! He could not
grasp the significance of the mad news that lay trembling on the sheets.
His mother entered the room, and as he hurried across to kiss her he
noted the pallor of her cheeks.
They sat down, and she poured him out his coffee as she had done ever
since he could remember. Then, fixing her dark eyes on his and toying
restlessly with the beads upon her breast, she said:
“It’s true, then, Robin?”
He nodded, and his eyes wandered to the disfiguring newspaper. He felt
as though he were in some way responsible for the intrusion of the world
calamity into the sanctity of his mother’s life; he muttered:
“It’s a dreadful business, mother.”