The happiest time of their lives — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The happiest time of their lives
John Stuart Mill · en
Wayne looked down at his mother as she sat opposite him, with her elbows
on the table, as keen as a child and as lively as a cricket. He asked
himself if he had not drifted into a needlessly sentimental state of mind
about her. He even asked himself, as he had done once or twice before in
his life, whether her love for him implied the slightest dependence upon
his society. Wasn’t it perfectly possible that his going would free her
life, would make it easier instead of harder? Every man, he knew, felt
the element of freedom beneath the despair of breaking even the tenderest
of ties. Some women, he supposed, might feel the same way about their
love-affairs. But could they feel the same about their maternal
relations? Could it be that his mother, that pure, heroic,
self-sacrificing soul, was now thinking more about her liberty than her
loss? Had not their relation always been peculiarly free? he found
himself thinking reproachfully. Once, he remembered, when he had been
working unusually hard he had welcomed her absence at one of her
conferences on inebriety. Never before had he imagined that she could
feel anything but regret at his absences. “Everybody is just alike,” he
found himself rather bitterly thinking.
“What do you want to know about it?” he said aloud.
“Why, everything,” she returned.
“I met her,” he said, “two evenings ago at a dance. I never expected to
fall in love at a dance.”
“Isn’t it funny? No one ever really expects to fall in love at all, and
everybody does.”
He glanced at her. He had been prepared to explain to her about love; and
now it occurred to him for the first time that she knew all about it. He
decided to ask her the great question which had been occupying his mind
as a lover of a scientific habit of thought.
“Mother,” he said, “how much dependence is to be placed on love--one’s
own, I mean?”
“Goodness, Pete! What a question to ask!”
“Well, you might take a chance and tell me what you think. I have no
doubts. My whole nature goes out to this girl; but I can’t help knowing
that if we go on feeling like this till we die, we shall be the
exception. Love’s a miracle. How much can one trust to it?”
The moment he had spoken he knew that he was asking a great deal. It was
torture to his mother to express an opinion on an abstract question. She
did not lack decision of conduct. She could resolve in an instant to send
a drunkard to an institution or take a trip round the world; but on a
matter of philosophy of life it was as difficult to get her to commit
herself as if she had been upon the witness-stand. Yet it was just in
this realm that he particularly valued her opinion.