The mill house mystery — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill house mystery
John Stuart Mill · en
Rhoda almost thought he had lost his reason, so amazing, so
preposterous did such an attitude seem in the husband who had done so
much for a wife who neglected and despised him.
With a pained frown he went on:
“I have felt the need of confession for a long time, ever since, in
fact, and now I must make it and have done with it, once for all. The
sight of her dead white face struck me dumb with anguish, with self
remorse, not because I loved her, but--because I hated her.”
“Oh, no, no. It’s not possible. When you were so patient, so tender,
so indulgent!”
He turned to her quickly:
“And that was the reason why. I was not indulgent, but over-indulgent.
It was to salve my conscience, to stifle it. Heaven knows,” he went on
earnestly, “that I loved her passionately, desperately once. For years
she was my ideal; to the last in appearance she remained my model of
loveliness in a woman. But she had lost my heart long before she died.
She could have kept it easily enough had she wished. But she did not
wish. My affection bored her, and she killed it, killed it
deliberately. Knowing that the link between us was so slender that it
might at any moment snap, and wishing for Caryl’s sake to keep it
intact, I put up with everything, I yielded to her in everything. I
made sacrifices, I gave up my own wishes to hers. But,” and he turned
upon her again with fire in his quiet eyes, “I should not have been so
indulgent, so yielding, if I had loved her. It was the tragedy of it
that I had grown to hate her. When she lay dead I felt remorse,
excitement, horror. But of tenderness scarcely a trace. And,” he
lowered his voice as if in shame, “it was because I felt as I did feel
that I had to go away without seeing you, or speaking to you. I was
afraid that you would find me out. It would have shocked you. You
might have found out more too. So it was better that I should go as I
did go.”
Half-stunned, Rhoda turned and led the way back to the house.
“You must see Caryl,” she said hoarsely.
She could scarcely realise the secret with which she had been
entrusted. It was so hard, remembering his indulgence to his wilful
wife, to understand the motive which had prompted his excess of
kindness.
They went upstairs to Caryl’s room, after Sir Robert had met and
spoken to the ladies of the house.
The boy had seen him from his window, and was clapping his hands with
glee.
“Papa, papa,” cried he, “Oh, how glad, how glad I am!”
He seized his father’s hand, and received his kiss, and then he held
out his other hand to Rhoda.
“Come here, Rhoda, come here,” cried he.
Timidly, and as it were reluctantly, she came. Caryl put her hand into
that of his father, and held them together.
“Papa, you won’t let her go now, will you?” he whispered.
Rhoda was crying. Sir Robert looked at her very tenderly over the
little wheel-couch, and said in a low voice as he pressed her hand in
his:
“No, Caryl, I won’t let her go away again.”
THE END
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