The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
“For a time I worked it, to some profit. We began not all
empty-handed. She brought a little with her.”
“My mother?”
At the word he half-started from his chair and sunk back into it
again. His eyes blazed as I had not seen them do since my return.
“For twenty years and more,” he shrieked, “that name has never been on
your lips--on the lips of any one of you. I would have struck him down
without pity that spoke it!”
I stood looking at him amazed. For a moment he seemed
transformed--translated out of his fallen self--for a moment and no
more. His passion left him quakingly.
“Ah!” he cried, with a gasp, and looked up at me beseeching--“you’re
not offended--you are not offended, Renalt?”
“No, no,” I said, impatiently. “You must tell me why, dad. You will,
won’t you?”
He answered with a sobbing moan.
“You, her son, must not know. Haven’t I been faithful to her? Have I
ever by word or sign dishonored her memory in her children’s ears--my
boy, have I?”
“I have never heard you mention her till now. I have never dreamed of
her but as a nameless shadow, father.”
“Let her be so always. She wrecked my life--in a day she made me the
dark brute you remember well. I was not so always, Renalt. This long,
degraded life of despair and the bestial drowning of it were her
doing--hers, I tell you. Remorse! It has struggled to master me, and I
have laughed it away--all these years I have laughed it away. Yet it
was pitiful when she died. A heart of stone would have wept to see
her. But mine was lead--lead--lead.”
He dropped his head on his breast. I stood darkly pondering in the
quiet room. There seemed a stir and rustling all round within the
house, as if ghostly footfalls were restlessly pacing out their
haunting penance.
“Renalt,” said my father, presently; “never speak of her; never
mention her by that name. She passed and left me what I am. I closed
the mill and shut its door and that of my heart to every genial
influence that might help it to forget. I had no wish to forget. In
silence and solitariness I fed upon myself till I became like to a
madman. Then I roused and went abroad more, for I had a mission of
search to attend to.”
“You never found him?”
The words came to my lips instinctively. How could I fail to interpret
that part, at least, of the miserable secret?
“To this day--never.”
He answered preoccupied--suddenly heedless of my assurance in so
speaking. A new light had come to his face--an unfamiliar one. I could
have called it almost the reflection of cunning--vanity--a
self-complacent smugness of retrospect.
“But I found something else,” he cried, with a twitching smirk.
“What was that?”
He leaned forward in a listening attitude.
“Hush!” he murmured. “Was that a noise in the house?”
“I heard nothing, dad.”
He beckoned me to stand closer--to stoop to him.
“A jar of old Greek and Roman coins.”