The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
Then I saw my father sink slowly back, drawing, as he did so, the
sheet up and over his face, as if to shut out the sight, and all the
time the convulsive fluttering of my own breath alone stirred the
tense silence that reigned about us.
I must have remained in this position many minutes, fixed and
motionless in a trance of fear, when the stealthy noise below seemed
to cease suddenly as it had begun. At that I leaped to my feet with a
strangled cry and tore the bedclothes away from the face. The eyes
stared up at me as if I were the secret presence; the jaw was dropped;
the whole body collapsed and sunk into the sheets. He had died without
a sound--there--in a moment; had died of that that was beyond human
speech; of something to which no dreadful human cry could give
expression.
* * * * *
Wading near knee deep in the flooded meadows, sense and reason
returned to me by slow degrees. Then a wan streak of sunrise gaped
like a dead man’s wound on the stormy horizon, and a new day was
breaking to wind and deluge that seemed endless.
Ah, surely I had been tried beyond mortal endurance. So I thought, not
knowing what was yet to come; what tension the soul’s fetters can be
put to without breaking.
The sodden day broadened and found me still wandering. Once during the
morning I crept back to the house of terror, and, standing without its
door, summoned the old woman, who had come of herself to attend to
dead Peggy’s laying out, and told her of my father’s death and
directed her to a second task.
Later in the day, I told myself, I would return; by and by when the
dead should be decently composed for rest and their expression should
have resumed something of its normal cast. Then I hurried forth again
and sought forgetfulness in the keen rush of air and wide reality of
the open country.
Walking, resting on some gate or stile; seeking a wayside tavern for
food and drink--always I kept steadily away from me the slightest
reflection on any of the last words spoken by my father. I could not
bear that my thoughts should so much as approach them. I had greatly
suffered, been greatly wronged, yet let my mind dwell insistently on
the thought that these evils were of the past, never more to vex me
out of reason should I look steadily forward, shutting my ears, like
the prince in the fairy tale, to the spectral voices that would fain
provoke me to an answer.
It was growing near that dusky period of the short day when if one
lifts one’s eyes from the ground the sky seems closing in upon the
earth! Worn out and footsore, I had rounded toward the city from its
eastern side and was traversing the now lonely stretch of by-path that
leads from the station, when I saw a woman and little child going on
in front of me haltingly. As I came up they drew aside to let me pass,
and I cried out, “Zyp!” and stopped in astonishment and a little fear.