The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
I sprung up, but he eluded me and, with a hateful laugh, leaped on the
moment into the deep center of the pool. A horrible tightness came
round my throat. Half-undressed as I was I plunged after him all mad
with passion. He rose near me, and seeing the fury of my face, dived
again, and I followed. It took but an instant, and my life was
wrecked. We met among the weeds at the bottom, and he jumped from me.
As he rose I clutched him by one foot, and swiftly passed a great
sinew of weed three or four times around his ankle. It held like a
grapnel and would hold; for, though he was a fair swimmer, he was
always frighted and nervous in the face of little difficulties. Then
swerving away, I rose again, with laboring lungs, to the surface.
Barely had my drenched eyes found the daylight again, when the hideous
enormity of my crime broke into my brain like the toll of a death
bell. The water near me was heaving slightly and some welling bubbles
swayed to the surface. They were the drowning gasps of my brother--my
own brother, whom I was murdering.
I gave a thin, wretched scream and sunk again into the deep hole
beneath me. He was jerking convulsively, and his hands clutched vainly
at his feet and slipped away in a dying manner. I tore at the weed to
unwind it--only to twist it into new fetters. I pulled frantically at
its roots. I felt that I should go mad if it did not yield. In a
moment it came away in my hands and I shot upward, struggling. But the
other poor body followed me sluggishly, and I seized it by the hair,
with all my heart gone crazy, and towed it ashore.
His face, I thought, looked fallen away already and was no longer
loutish or malicious. It seemed just a white, pathetic thing freed
from suffering--and I would have given my life--ay, and my love--ten
times over to see the same expression come back to it it had worn as
it turned to me before he dived.
I fell on my knees beside him and broke into a passion of tears. I
kissed, with no shame but a murderer’s, the wet forehead, and beat and
pressed, in a futile agony too terrible for words, the limp
unresisting hand against my breast. It seemed that he must wake if I
implored him so frantically. But he lay quiet, with closed eyes, and
the water ran from his white skin in trickling jerks and pauses.
In the midst of my useless anguish some words of Jason’s recurred to
me, and, seizing my coat for a pillow to his forehead, I turned him,
with a shuddering horror of his limpness, upon his face. A great gush
of water came with a rumble from his mouth, but he did not stir; and
there I stood looking down upon him, my hand to my forehead, my mad
eyes staring as Cain’s must have stared when he wrought the deed of
terror.
And I was Cain--I who yesterday was a boy of loving impulses, I think;
whose blackest crime might be some petty rebellion against the lesser
proprieties; who had even hugged himself upon living on a loftier
plane than this poor silenced victim of his brutality.